Well, the guy I have to talk to isn't online right now, but I have something to tide my faithful reader over with.


The Stealth F.A.Q

Are you really loud? Always getting stabbed by the guards or arrested? Do you always lose at hide and seek? Well, fear not! From others' mistakes, you shall reap the gold trinkets and/or merchandise of success!

Q. Those damned guards are always turning around just as I go to whack them with my blackjack. What should I do?
A. Wait in the darkness, and go slowly. Take your time and be sure to hold down the creep button. Wait until the guard's back is turned and then knock him out. Remember, guards will not turn around constantly (they follow a set path) unless you make too much noise.

Q. Help, there was a loud noise and now I can't move my arm, I'm bleeding, and there are alarms everywhere!
A. That isn't a question, but it's urgent. I hate to break this to you but you've been shot. Try not trying to steal from heavily guarded areas where guards use guns until you are completely confident in your abilities. Until then, don't resist, and hope you get a nice judge who won't put you away for too long.

Q. I'm always way too noisy when I walk. How can I be quieter?
A. First, you should always run through a checklist:
Are you carrying any change in your pockets?
Are your trousers made of that material that swishes when your legs run together?
Do you carry Tic-Tacs in your pockets?
Do you have a cold? (Those damned sneezes.)
Are you wearing any dangling jewlry?
Are you a dwarf?
Do you have a low agility score/low stealth skill?
Are you wearing metal-shod boots?
Are you talking to yourself?
Are you using a portable compact-disc player?
Is your sunblock SPF 15?
Are you a giant humanoid squid?
Do you eat paste?
Is your favorite color green?
Is 78.6-76.8=1.801?
Do you have metal joints?
Are you eating right now?
Do you wear briefs?

If you've checked any of these, then you should fix them. Get non-swishy clothing without anything in it, get that paste out of your mouth, stop talking to yourself, and cut off those suction pads on your feet. (Don't worry, they'll grow back.) Oh, and if the fourth from last one is checked, you've been warped to a parallel universe with different laws of mathematics. Enjoy your stay and bring me back some parallel oranges.

Q. I feel from up really high and after making a snapping sound, my legs smell of almonds. What's up with that?
A. Well, nothing's up (heh heh...). But you're down. You've fallen and broken both of your legs. Gangrene is setting in. My only advice is to eat the infected area before it spreads, and drink a catfall potion or go down on a rope arrow next time.

Q. An ogre and three Creeps are chasing me, my fighters are on their last ten HP and both of my mages died. I'm out of healing potions and I'm nowhere near a town. What should I do?
A. What the hell are you talking about? This isn't Final Fantasy One.

Q. What is the best outfit for a newly starting rogue?
A. Well, anything black, with many silenced pockets.

Q. What's a silenced pocket?
A. You sew lots of material, i.e. cotton into your pocket so anything you're carrying doesn't jingle.

Q. Are there any stores that sell pre-made thiefwear?
A. Thieves-R-Us is the major chain, but you can order them online, search around. Or try eBay, the world's online marketplace.

Q. The police are always finding me, claiming they were lead by some "fingerprint" rubbish. How do I avoid a sentence?
A. That's simply a ruse the cops use to catch the unsuspecting thief. They don't exist. Simply show the jury the lack of evidence, and how the cops are trying to frame you.

Q. Fingerprints are real, dufus.
A. No, they're not. And that's not a question.

Q. What is the best size rope to use when making rope arrows?
A. Stop! Never make your own rope arrows. Always, always, always buy them from a trusted retail thievery supply store. Such as Lutes and Loot, Lil' Den of Theives, or Jaret's Supply Chest.

Q. What the hell? Why didn't this guard die? I stabbed him in the stomach with my sword.
A. Ah, that is the thief's weakness. You can not kill anyone quickly when they are looking at you. Even if you cut off his head, he'd still be stabbing you. Try stabbing him from behind.

Q. My water arrows keep bursting in my quiver. How can I keep them until I use them?
A. Hmm, a tough question. First, make sure your water arrows are kept points upward. Keep them in their own quiver, and away from sharp objects. If they still pop, try obtaining better quality arrows. If they still pop, stop being a klutz, idiot.

Q. How does one shut down alarms in a museum?
A. Well, you have to take out the alarm box and cross the green wire and the red wire to overload the circuit. Then grab your loot and escape. Otherwise, don't try cat burglury.

Q. Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!
A. Call 911.

Q. The line between fantasy and reality has been blured in my mind. I often find myself on rooftops, not knowing how I got there, dresed in black. What's wrong with me?
A. You've been playing too much Thief. Take a break every few hours.

Well, that's all for now. I tried. This web humor thing is new to me.

posted by Slade at 11:53 PM

I am a god. Seriously, I have the long white robe, Gerry Garcia beard, can smite people whenever I want. Not really. I am a mario god though. I realized this when I finished world two in Mario 3 with 39 lives, three P-Wings, three whistles. How many people can say they've gotten a coin ship, N-Card thingy and white mushroom house, all at the same time, in world one? Me. Yep, I killed every giant hammer brother while small. I was at the world four airship and had 58 lives when my dad took over because I went to play Secret of Mana. I know, I probably need a support group. But oh well. I'm not kidding about the mario stuff, either.

I may have a funny update tomorrow if I can find someone to help me with the formatting, otherwise it will only be funny but annoying. Gotta learn CGI.
Beware, for now I can create radio buttons!
Muahaha!
Hey, how'd that get there?
Aargh! They're multiplying!

Sorry, I just can't resist.

posted by Slade at 9:41 PM

Today on the bus I was happy. After writing "I hate this school." On every bus window in the back, I put my headset on and listened to Disturbed, Believe. Good CD, but I had to turn it up quite loud to drown out the voices of the assholes in front of me. Stupid social bastards never shut up. You may not mind it, but to the quiet anti-social psudo-punk guy in the back of the bus, well, it reminds him of that raw, deep, unharnessed burning hatred brought about by six years of constant abuse to his psyche. And then the wee little seventh graders start talking to him, but he can't just frown sourly at them before going back to his introspective mood.


While I was sitting there, I thought that there was some metaphor I was acting out, like of my life or something, but I can't figure out what it is. Drown out the dillholes with music. I hope its not one of those "bite you in the ass" ones that make you smack your head for your idiocy. I got home and listened to some more Disturbed while I walked the dog, and then when I got inside again. It was cold and rainy, but the dog didn't care and I had my bucket hat and music, so we went on a nice long walk. While I was walking, I deicded it was time to draw in my sketch book some more. I thought that I'd just draw whatever I felt while listening to my CD. Then I got inside and realized that I don't know how my feelings would look and ended up drawing a flower. Wow, how exciting.


Then I went on the computer and played some more Secret of Mana. It turns out that I can still get my magic levels up to seven, so I casted my ass off, and got the Sprite's magic all up to its current max. Its easier for him because he gets Magic Absorb and we don't need to stop at an Inn as often for him as we do the Girl. Hey, if those psychos can play Everquest for twenty hours a day on a weekend I can certainly blow a few getting my Secret of Mana characters completely badass. Level fifty. Its nice. After dinner but before piano lessons I drew an imaginary scene in the Super Mario Three universe. Theres some blocks, a Gooma and a Buzzy Beetle, a fireflower, one of those crappy hill things in the background, pipe with Piranaha Plant with fireballs. I'm missing the Big M himself and a Para-Koopa, then my masterpiece will be completed.


I still have to get around to ranting about that psycho Andrew Jackshon. (That was in a Mask voice, by the way. If you've seen it, you'll get it eventually.) But hey, I started using linebreaks for easier reading! Huzzah and 'zounds! And I should write down my ideas somewhere, so I have some material and can actually get more than one viewer a day. Seriously, not a single person has sent me any electronic mail since my request a few days ago. Let me restate this: If you have ever looked at my "site," even if you're one of my freaky/cool/whatever internet friends and I asked you to check it out, drop me a line, tell me what you think. Sladeo@hotmail.com


Of corse, I could have missed your E-Mail, if its subject happened to involve increasing one's penis size or watching prostitutes expand their clientel to livestock...
posted by Slade at 10:03 PM

Here we are at another monday night. I once again, haven't gotten around to writing anything meaningful on here. Maybe I should make it a feature. I do have stuff I want to write, I just can't ever remember it when I'm online. I only think of good ideas before I go to sleep. The bastard Empire broke all the Mana seals so now my motly crew of RPG characters has to bust its ass and fix them up. Until then I can't level up my magic. I finished From a buick 8, and remembered to italicize this time. I thought "Good book." Then went upstairs, put its book cover back on and put it in my bookshelf. I'm now not sure what I want to read. The School's library doesn't have Wheel of Time Five, or Six, not sure which one I was one. After watching Lord of the Rings a few times over the weekend (my sister is obsessed with it, we watched it at my party as well) I think I might want to read the series again. It truly is a good series, though not as well written as it could have been. I might even get around to writing a " x Things I hate about LotR:TFotR, The Movie" and get a higher reader base until everyone's done flamming me. Hehe, I crack me up. Me, do something. Yeah right. When I start worshiping bubble wrap and Slim Jims for real, maybe.
posted by Slade at 10:06 PM

Wow, time flies doesn't it? It seems like just yesterday was Friday and my friends partied. And then POW! it's Sunday night. I woke up and immediately spent... five hours playing Secret of Mana on an emulator. My parents bought my a Genesis instead of a SNES, though I asked for one. Sigh. Couldn't get me a SNES, so I missed out on Chrono Trigger, FFVI, and SoM, could you? After I got all of my elementals up to level four, I decided to take a break, feeling that I'd been playing too long. I read more of From a Buick 8 by Stephen King. Good stuff. Then we ate dinner, and I read some more, then went back on the computer and online about twenty minutes ago. It's scary how fast time is going.
posted by Slade at 11:46 PM