I wait for the bus this morning in the sixty below weather that is central New York. The trees crack with the cold, the occasional bird utters a startled cry before its wings freeze and it glides stiffly into the sharp point that is left of the exploding trees.

About the time my runny nose, along with the rest of my face, has become just a large icecicle with two smaller icecicles made of snot, my bus comes. It's about...eight thirty, judging by the lack of feeling in my extremities. My digital watch has not stopped, however, and mockingly proclaims I've only been waiting for ten minutes. That's a good thing however, as I was beginning to think the rotting flesh on my ear was frostbite, but it can't set in that quickly.

As I force my feet to shamble onto the bus, I notice something strange. There are only about twelve people riding. To recap, my bus was just ten minutes late for thirty less kids then usual. Gee, I wish I could have waited inside. Strange thoughts begin surfacing in my head, only amplified as I arrive at school.

The hallways echo with the occasional squeaky shoed pupil wandering aimlessly before classes start. The puddle of water that usually congregates just inside the entrance to the chool is gone. Not enough shoes have tracked the snow inside the building. My paranoid schitzophrenic thoughts kick in to full gear: Did I somehow pass into an alternate dimension? Was there an ebola outbreak during the night? Did I sleep through a nuclear war? Damn it, I hate it when that happens. Then it hits me. This was the day.

A few weeks ago, there were threats written in the bathrooms in my school. They spoke of a shooting to take place today. Of course, no one who was going to actually carry out a plan like that would tell the whole friggin' school. The only people stupid enough to do that are the ones who can't figure out how to operate the trigger on a B-B gun, let alone any sort of actual firearm. So naturally, two thirds of the school stayed home. I walk through the desolate hallways, not plagued by people going the wrong way (keep right, morons!) or stopping in the hallways to talk to their friends. Then they get pissed when you push them out of the way. I'm sorry I was so selfish and interrupted you while you were stopped in the middle of the hallway when everyone was trying to get to their lockers. Jerks. There are none who make left turns at an intersection even though those passing through have the right of way. It is quite eery, not being able to bitch at the freshmen who crowd up the hallways and slow the whole crowd down. Of course, there are no police, no safty measures being taken (except for having locked the only easily accessable bathroom in the school down for two weeks), wait! There's an emergency kit. And our creepy vice principal is stalking the halls, but that's nothing new. He is quite the hardass, and looks like he should have a monicle. No joke, its the strangest thing. I looked at him when i first saw him and thought "He needs a monicle."

So I go to my classes, each having about six people on average. But we still do work. There's a big chemistry and pre-calc quiz, but we get to watch Don Quixote in Spanish class. It stars Jon Lithgow (WOO!) as Don Quixote and Smee from Hook/Eddie from Who Framed Roger Rabbit as Sancho Panza. Good stuff. The man is crazy, but I can understand where he's comming from. There are no adventures anymore, chivalry is dead, life is in essence, boring, unless you are in a gang, and then it's too dangerous. You can't stop bullets unless you have body armor on. I wouldn't really want to live in medieval times, however, as I enjoy running water and modern medicine.

For lunch is the ever hated "BBQ Rib on Bun" but with recent budget cuts, we only get a slice of bread instead of a bun. I am startled by the complete lack of a lunchline, but the cafeteria ladies are ever vigil, ready to take down anyone who looks remotely suspicious.

*kzzzzzzrrrsssshhhh*This is a code six, I repeat code six, over. *kzzzzzsssshhhhh* Roger that, I see the subject, he's reaching into his pocket, Oh GOD! You have permission to use force. Repeat. Permission to use force.*Kzzzzzzzsssssshhh*

Ow! *whack* Hey! Stop it! *pow* Stop hitting me with that spatula! *slap* At least get the horse brains off of it! Geeze! It's only my lunch money! Oww! *futz* Get off of me! *snerk* Let go of my ankle, damn it! Rodney King! Rodney King!

*kzzzzzzzzssssshhhh* This is agent two, subject has been neutralized, prepare for reneuralization. *kzzzzzzzzzzsssssshhhhhhhh* Umm, agent two, this is base, reneuralizers don't exist. *Kzzzzssshh* Uh oh. How are we going to explain this one? *Kzzzzzzzzzzssssssssshhhhhh* He looked like a potential threat, and attacked us. Stick with that. Over and out.

So anyway, not much is different, except there is almost no one in school. Not that I'm complaining, being the anti-social people-hating guy I am. I enjoy the quite solitude I find, the lack of any work what-so-ever in class, the room in the hallways. Eventually, the day is over, I go home on the bus, get home, and start writing this.
*A note on this writing*
This happened Wednsday, although I just now finished it. I'm progressing on my keen update as well.
posted by Slade at 12:42 PM

Well, I have to get off line early tonight, so I'm not going to write my update yet. Tomorrow afternoon I shall. I also figured out how to do my big super-funny update I've been planning and worked on it some earlier today. Expect it ready by the end of the week! (Can I really pull it off? Wait and see!)

I could have not read the latest stuff at NMD, and worked on my update then, but what kind of slacker would I be? A disgrace to all of them, that's what. I've fixed my top ten list, so read it if you haven't, and if you have, read it again. And now I'll leave you all with some useless information:

A group of jellyfish is called a "smack." it's true.
posted by Slade at 9:30 PM

The day before Thanksgiving Vacation in school, we were asked in out daily journal entry for English class to write ten things we were thankful for. This is my list, unabridged, but with explanations (we didn't need to explain in the entry):
1. Bubble Wrap - C'mon! It's bubble wrap! It keeps our packages safe from the klutzy hands and rough terrain the average parcel carrier expierences. You can pop it, (or get your cat to walk over it for hours of fun), and it's my deity of choice. There's nothing like going home after a long day and popping some bubble wrap to appease the big one.
2. Ninjas - Ah, the silent assassin. Without him, our thieves would have no class to change into. No Ninja Turtles. There would be no katanas (well, less katanas, there would still Samuri), no throwing stars (shurikens), no super stealthy japanese men, no one for James Bond to somehow beat up. (How can that british pipsqueak beat up a whorde of ninjas? I mean, c'mon. Thats half the reason I don't watch the films. The other reason is because THEY SUCK.)
3. Skateboards - Men and women the world over would have nothing to do without having to mingle with the average brainless jock. There would be no insane yet cool tricks. One less extreme sport. Less broken bones, scraped hands/knees, injurys in general. I would be bored stupid if I couldn't fall down in the basement while trying to skateboard.
4. Computers - This web log wouldn't exist. Minors could not access pornography without asking their big brothers to buy magazines. Free speech would be completely trampled on. There would be no updates, no patches. No computers to develop artificial intelligence and attempt to take over the world. No "Yo Mama!" jokes websites. No webcomics. No video games, no rockets, no faked moon landings, no pirated software. China might have become a Democracy, and Bush could have been smart. Frightening.
5. Air - Yeah, we kinda need it to live. Carbon based life would not exist as we know it without it. We'd be a bunch of anerobic life forms swimming in the primordial soup forever, plotting to kill the occasional evolutionary freak with a backbone. No furry animals, no piranhas, black panthers (either kind), no Jello or Whoopie cushions.
6. Pirates - Yaargh! Without this here occupation, there would be no pirate accent. Yar! Ye would be a bunch of posh brits. No cutlasses, parrots that say "Pieces of eight!", no wooden legs, no hooks. Where would we be? Yar...
7. Rights - Although many of them have been trampled in the wake of the only successful terrorist attack in the United States in at least twelve years, we must cling to the few that remain. The right to bear arms (except in Michigan), the right to a speedy, fair trial, (unless you have commited any crime), the right to exersize powers not specifically delegated to the Federal Governeent stated in the constitution, (unless the power has not been specifically delegated to the Federal Government), the right to free speech, (unless it does not reflect a positive opinion towards the United States, its President, or any of its policies).
8. Food - It tastes good, (most of it), you can use the stuff that isn't as a weapon (fruit cakes/Burger King fries), it supplies the chemicals needed to fuel the enzymes that create adenosene triphosphate, which keeps us alive.
9. Velcro - Kids would be forced to use buttons or... *shudder* zippers. There's nothing like getting your parts caught in a zipper that make you wish for a button or velcro. And it's just damned cool. The velcro, not getting caught in your zipper.
10. Mr. T - I pity da foo who doesn't know who Mr. T is. Without him, people couldn't wear bling-bling and have mohawks and still look cool. No one could say "I pity da foo!" There'd be no A team. Or it would star someone else, like Eddie Murphy. Who wants to watch him in that? Not me. Stick with Beverly Hills Cop. There would be no Mr. T soap or coloring books, either.

There you have it. The list I submitted for my journal entry. Sometimes the humor breaks through during school. I can't help it. I pity da foo who doesn't like Mr. T! Oh, I'm having problems with the material I need for my super spiffy update, so its kind of on the backburner for now. Sorry.
posted by Slade at 10:15 PM