So, like... Blog

Well, I lied. I kinda couldn't muster the strength to do an update then, but now I will. Ok, here goes...

Two days ago, my family and I went to see Lord of the Rings:The Two Towers, the movie. It kicked some arse, once you get past that just because it says "Two Towers" doesn't mean it has to stick anywhere near the book. For a movie, it was really good. For a book to movie, it sucked. Don't expect the Ents to help out at Helms Deep, people. But I'm not here to do a XX Reasons I Hate LotR:TTT. Not only would I not have enough material, it would all be about how they didn't follow the plot. But I don't care. Shut up and let me get on with my update!

OK! So I spent the night at my friend Marty's with the Most Annoying Brothers in the World claim to fame. Seriously. Have you ever seen a TV show where the little brothers are always fighting all the time? They never shut up, fight all through the house, over the kitchen table, past the fridge, breaking everything and dirtying what they don't break. Now multiply that by about three million. Seriously, that's just about how bad my friend's brothers are. I don't know how his mom hasn't gone on a frenzied bloodbath, but for that I must commend her. I would have duct-taped the little shits to the ceiling and left them there after spending ten minutes with them.

So, during my stay, we saw Blue Streak and Mortal Kombat:Annhilation. Blue Streak was funny, and MK kicked some ass. Well, almost. See, it was a B rated kung-fu movie. But as far as B rated kung-fu movies go it was great. There wasn't enough Sub-zero though. He had a fight scene and three lines of diologue and then ceased to exist in the rest of the movie. Sub-zero is the coolest character of the series. He should have starred, not that punk wanna-be, man-with-a-mullet, Lu Kang. When you watch a B movie, you have to look at it from a different angle. Like one where you don't dwell on the plot holes, extras (there were so many guys that were just there to get killed), or try to think too hard.

My mom picked me up from his house and we drove to the theatre to watch the movie. We enter the theater, and I'm forced to look at all of the posters. There's this promo with Catherine Zeta Jones, Richard Gere, and Ren�e Zellwegger, starring in a movie called Chicago. The hairstyles and makeup are so awful in the picture that I don't even recognize these two (normally) very attractive women until I read who stars at the top. It's just horrible how they make these two look. The movie also has that "based on the 50s TV show" vibe too. I don't know if that's true or not. Next up is the teaser for "Matrix:Reloaded, with the picture of a woman who sort of looks like Halle Berry on the front, but it was there since the last time I went to the movies.

Now, my dad had this plan, where we'd buy our snacks before we got to the theatre, so we wouldn't have to spend $5.80 for a $.50 soda, and $7.00 for a scoop of M&Ms. But there were no Peanut M&Ms (the best kind) at the store he went to, so we had to go looking for some. We stopped by the nearest store in the mall complex Lowes. We go looking for candy (you know how they have candy and magazines near the checkout isles in stores), but the only things there are cordless drills. Then my mom sees one of her friends, so we go over and talk to her. I happen to look around and right behind me is...is...is!!!!! I don't know how to make that a transition into this sentence. Theres this guy, and he has bright orange hair, piercings everwhere, a goatee, a mullet, and a sleeveless leather jacket on! Yes, I was standing infront of an 80s rocker! It was the greatest thing that's happened to me. Ever. It changed my life. I'm not kidding, this guy had it all. I don't know if his undershirt said "Guns & Roses" or "AC/DC," Because I didn't want him to catch me supressing a grin while oogling him. Now, I have complete respect for someone so caught up in yesterday-no, yester-month, hell- so caught up in a fad that died twenty years ago, that he walks around with a mullet, and proundly. You gotta have real guts to do that. Suffice to say, nothing could ruin my good mood after seing a blast from the past before I existed. So we went next door to the dollar store (why didn't we go there first, you ask? wouldn't it make more sense to not look for candy in a hardwear store?). To that I answer "Well, yeah, but I was fated to see that super old-school rocker. Some time later, I will be thinking about that, and not walk into a manhole and not get eaten by a giant chihuauha. Or perhaps he'll stop me on a busy street so that the drunk driver that flys by seconds later will kill the blind lady with the walker who was in front of me. Or maybe I'll stop and think about him and a piano will fall on my head, but if i wasn't lost in thought, would have noticed and walked around. See? All because I went into the wrong store looking for candy. Fate is some pretty scary stuff.

So, I bought my M&Ms Peanuts, and went back to the theatre. It was now drawing closer to movie time, so we all went into where the actual movie was being shown. We were just in time, as the twenty minute new movie promos were starting. Ok, first up is something crappy that I don't even remember. Second. Ok, something with Ahnold in it. The Schwartz. Schwartzenegger. (That's close.) Ok, and theres robots. Wait wait, that series has been over for ten years. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines Nope, it's not. Seems they think they can milk a second sequal out of it. He got melted in the lava, people! Geeze! Yeah, I know, he'd still have to be built in order to be melted in 2, I know my temporal mechanics. Anywho, now there's so new terminator (Whoa! Where'd they think that up?!?!), whose a girl. And shes evil. Yep, yet another robot out to kill poor John Connor. Damn it, he invented the technology that makes you guys go! If you go back in time and kill him, you'll cease to exist, and therefore could never have killed him! Ha! That means that you can't! Actually, if i recall, some black guy invented the Terminator arm. They (the good guys) tried to kill him but messed up.

Next up. Dumb - Low intelligence. Dumber - Very low intelligence. Dumberer - Devoid of anything that even remotely resembles intelligence. We have "Dumb and Dumberer." Or how Harry met Floyd. Ok, so we have a sequel to T2, now a prequel to Dumb and Dumber? Geeze, are movies slowly going the way of the reality series? Curse you, cheap-ass movie industry, not paying those poor hard working writers! That's all there was to the preview. Then we get to the good stuff. Some old looking black guy says "Hello, I'm God. I'm going to take a break and you're going to take my place for a week." We don't know who he's talking to. Then the camera pans back and its Jim Carrey! Yep, I can already tell this movie is going to be great. It's comedy, and to the republicans/conservitives, controversial. It can't lose. Unless there's really crappy writing. But theres only been one bad Jim Carrey movie: The Cable Guy. And the Simpsons has already put it down. So now I want to see Bruce Allmighty in theatres when it comes out.

There are some more commercials, then finally the movie starts. It's not much like the book, but still good, yadda yadda, as I've said. I don't have much material for it, except people thought it was funny when Smeagol was fighting his murderous instincts. He's got a problem people, and this isn't a comedy. Have you ever been obsessed over a magic item and it drove you mad? No. Now go pick that pop-corn up off the floor with your tongues. Shame on you. Hmm... well... during the movie, I had to go to the bathroom, and I went in and got the urinal on the left, with only one to my right, and was about to pee, when a man walks up and uses the one right next to me. Hey! You've crossed my buffer zone, buddy. I can't pee with you right next to me. My personal space has been violated. I shot him a glare and left, quite grumpily. Damn it, why do other guys do that? They know about the buffer zone. Do they think it's funny, that since they practice peeing within elbows reach of other men that now they can pee but we can't? You people make me sick! You know that you don't screw up the buffer zone if there is any way to avoid it. You wait until there is another urinal free, with one on each side for room. Damn you!

Ok, that's all, extra long, because I felt bad about getting your hopes up. Or I would have, provided anyone read this. If you do, send me a line at my E-mail! It's on the left. Even if I know you personally. It'll make me feel better, and I'll know if I should really keep doing this or not.

posted by Slade at 11:01 PM