As promised, here is Contra Comic Five! Enter Red Pants or The Whump Explained! I'm going to try to make an archives and Contra Comic link page tonight too. Keen!

Yep, that archives link bar at your left is getting too big.
posted by Slade at 2:13 PM

According to Dictonary.com, "ninja" is Japanese for person who endures. I'ts also defined as:

A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage.

Go ninjas! Yes, that's all for now, I'm trying to do homework.
posted by Slade at 12:28 PM

I'm still amazed I actually managed to write three slightly lengthy articles, even though no one got to see them because STUPID BLOGGER wasn't working. It seems to be now though. And a Contra Comic this weekend too?!?! But will this be a trend to my site? Only time will tell...
posted by Slade at 9:08 AM

Well, it seems someone has found my e-mail address and leaked it to a shitty spam mail site. I'd like to say if I ever find you, you stupid prick, I'm going to twist your testicles so hard that you wish they'd fall off to lessen the pain. I'll peel off each fingernail ever so slowly and then break each finger and toe. I'll then cut off both of your big toes and the tips of each finger. I'll rip off each ear, and stab both eyes with a paper clip, collecting the fluid for you to drink. I'll slice up every inch of your back with shallow razor cuts, and then rip your face off with sand paper. I'll pull out each individual tooth slowly. I'll then throw you into a steaming hot vat of salt water and watch you drown in utter agony.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, on to my update! Today: some of the teachers in my school.

First, the Spanish teacher. She has these beautiful icey crystal blue eyes (even though I prefer green to blue), except the effect is ruined by the bloodshot whites. Also, she, like every other Spanish teacher in existance, calls everyone Se�or/Se�ora. It's the most annoying thing ever. I don't understand it either. We live in Hick Town New York. There's got to be a better pronoun to use than that.

Next up, the vice principal. He's tall, gangly, and I swear he looks like he should be wearing a monacle. He's also quite a hardass, and wears a drab grey or brown suit every day. Why does this guy have such an awful taste in clothing? Black's where it's at!

Third is the social studies teacher. He's built. Really really muscley, except when he smiles it makes me think he eats babies. There aren't any miniscule fingers sticking out from his teeth, but his smile really puts me on edge. It's really creepy. Though everyone says he's a really nice guy.

Then there's the physics teacher. She's really mean from what I hear, and borderline enormous. When she smiles, the way she curls her upper lip makes you feel like that upper lip is going to consume your soul. Or her mouth will consume your thigh. You just can't stop staring in horror at the thing below her nose. Like deer looking at an on comming car. Then suddenly you realize that someone is smacking you in the back of the head because they can't get to the chocolate milk in the lunch line, and you're saved. Until next time...

There's the chemistry teacher, who has to use analogies for everything. From molecular structure to covalent bonds to vapor pressure. And all of her analogys involve something completely inane, like two students going to the movies, and how they split the money is like how atoms share electrons. I want to fall asleep and shoot myself at the same time. She also gives a ton of homework, in the form of packets, which I never finish. Because all the work is just using a math formula, and I just can't calculate 80 different mass mass ratio problems. I knew the damned thing after the first three. Once I hit about 20 I'm bored out of my skull and just stop until I can copy the answers/work from people.

The greatest thing, however is the principal. He's short, fat, and has brown hair and a mustache. He looks just like Mario. Really. It's the best thing in the world, and could brighten my day if anything happened short of a nuclear holcaust. Every time I see him the old theme starts playing in my head. Soon I'm humming it softly, and forgetting all I've learned on the Spanish-American war. (Bastard US imperialist dogs!) I can just picture my principal looking both ways down the hallway, and when he's sure no one can see him, he jumps up and punches the ceiling, and then throws a fireball across the gym for good measure. If only the vice principal looked like Luigi, though. I'd have to contact The Onion.

Thats about all the stuff I can write for now, I've got places to go, things to do, sleep to sleep. Contra Comic Five over the weekend! And even a makeshift archive and Contra Comics page! I'll have to fix the layout of the main page. It'll be crazy!

I'm glad that I've only told one other person in my whole school about this site (because I hate most of them and the ones I don't would just be weirded out by my wacky sense of irony and humor. And most of the time when I'm writing nothing humorous comes to me, so this site usually sucks. I hate that.) I mean no disrespect, well not too much, to the teachers, but someone would be bound to flip out.
posted by Slade at 12:30 PM

Last week at the dinner table, my sister began complaining about her Social Studies class. It is apperently the coolest class ever, as the kids are allowed to solve problems themselves, and the teacher treats them like the young adolescents they are, not wee kids. That does sound nice, because in our middle school (that's junior high for the uninitaited) there aren't many responsibilities the children are allowed to have. Like going into the lunch line. The teachers gradually let kids in, and it goes so slowly there are lines 150 kids long.

Anywho, their teacher decided that they were going to do a project, where there were leaders, and they divvied out jobs. The leaders were randomly picked by the teacher, and both were girls. The boys and girls suffer from the typical middle school sex repellation magnetic field syndrome. Opposites do not attract yet, for the most part, so all the boys and girls fly to opposite sides of the room, in this case, the back and front repsectively. Since the girls went down the rows, handing out jobs, all of the girls got to pick the jobs they wanted, which left the boys with the crappy jobs. Now, if the leaders have to kick people out of the project thingus, they lose points as well as the people who were kicked. The boys, deciding that the girls were being unfair, and they poorly represented, protested. They will not do their jobs, and the leaders, being those obsessed with high grades, can't bare to kick half the class out, but won't let the boys have representation either. The boys have gone about doing nothing while the girls work their asses off. It's so cute to see stuff like this in school. Were it the real world, the oppressive, unfair girls would have kicked all the boys out after bargaining with the teacher not to have thier grades lowered. Then they would have gossiped about the boys until none were wanted in any group at all. Ever again.

Speaking of school stuff, my class tried a tactic to get what we wanted on Friday. See, we were promised (though not technically) a movie in spanish class on Friday. Except the teacher wasn't there, and gave the substitute some busy work for us to do. A 200 word essay in spanish, without the use of our books or fellow students. Now, the regents requires a 100 word essay thing now a days, and she's having us do double for busy work, when she had said we could watch a movie? We were all quite pissed, and most of the class didn't do any work in protest. I wasn't one of them, not remembering the specific details enough to call her on her word. The assignment was to write a 200 word letter to your teacher on why you need more time to do your homework. I couldn't get 200 words out of an assignment like that in English, let alone Spanish. This is what I wrote, except in Spanish:

I can't do the homework because I was abducted by extraterrestrials who conducted horrible, terrible, awful experiments on me. I ran and ran and hid under a rock. A cow came along and ate my face, so I killed it and threw it into a pool.

It may sound like protest, but that's how I usually write. It's a trick I've learned when I can't remember the words pertaining to the topic. Just go off on a tangent using words I do know. Of course, the only words I can remember when strug together are utter nonsense, but non-sequtiur isn't grading criteria. At any rate, the teacher was quite steamed when she came back on Monday, and flipped out. She's pretty scary when she's angry, and I wasn't about to defend a position I couldn't remember. The other people in my class didn't say anything either though, and she just made us do more work. Funny how that works out.

I might continue work on my next project, and I'm determined to get out another Contra Comic before next week. Also, the final of three updates involving my school, tomorrow. Maybe something will be funny in my writing for a change.
posted by Slade at 9:58 PM

I'm going to write an update 6th period. I have some creative non-writing stuff I'm going to do as soon as I finish typing this little thingus. Oh, and according to Yahtzee's second most recent update, I fit much of the criteria of being pretentious. I prefer being called cynical and aloof, due to the fact that I don't think highly of myself, except at video games.
posted by Slade at 8:50 AM

So Monday morning, I got to miss three periods. Sure, two of them were a study hall and Drawing, but it was OK, because we got to hear a politician! It was "Congressman" Sherwood Boelhert. Sherry for short. I don't know why those people in the House of Representitives have to be called Congressman. Senators are called... senators. At any rate, he talked about his stance on issues. He's left wing for a republican, which kind of scared me. Republicans that support the environment and labor unions. Freaky.

However, his speach was loaded with political jargon. For example: I asked why our schools budgets are being cut. His answer was that the people in Albany, when they go over their budget, always try to cut schools first, then eventually are argued to cutting less than what they wanted to. And that they never agree on a budget on time. Not a word on why the people cut school funding, so I have no choice but to assume that what isn't being cut is the politicians' "pet" projects. That is, projects that get them votes. It's OK if they say cut school budgets, because even though everyone but them likes having schools, they don't get fingers pointed at them. The people just think "Oh, those people in Albany are messing up the budget again." Proctor, a school in Utica, a city near where I live, has had to cut every elective, every athletic program, due to underfunding. I've heard of schools that have to run 3-5 and nightschools because the students need to support their families and work during school. Our own school can't afford a single new piece of lab equipment, because theres no funding for it. Just great. I'm just lucky I'm going to be a senior next year and won't have to worry about it.

He rambled on about how the United States is the greatest nation in the world militarily and ecomnomically. To that I say it's gotta be pretty damned bad if we're in what may turn out to be one of the worst recessions in our history, and we're still better than everyone else. I personally like Canada better because they have free health care. The way it should be. Speaking of Canada, Sherry claims that our number one oil supplier is Canada. The second largest supplier: Mexico. And he's right. That's in defense of "Bush is going to war for oil." However, he says that Iraq's oil supply is insubstantial (6% of our imported crude oil, he says), so thats not the reason. But according to the figures I found, this is quite recent. From 1990 to 2000, Suadi Arabia was our biggest supplier. In 2001 and 02, Canada and Mexico pulled ahead of it. Hmm... Oh, and in 2002, Iraq was the sixth leading oil supplier of the United States, averaging about 750 thousand barrels of oil a day. Yeah, that's really small. We couldn't possibly want to take over that region so we wouldn't have to buy those 750K barrels of oil. Except not any more, because they stopped sending us oil nine months ago. Gee. How convienent, that we'd just happen to get more oil, cheap because we'd occupy Iraq, but the US, well Bush and his cronies, really, aren't fighting a war for oil. And Bush wasn't backed by the oil barons, and he won the election fairly too. Yeah. When Hell freezes over. I wouldn't mind as much if the hick that calls himself president didn't flat out lie to us, and expect us to believe it. Like that Iraq has ties to Al'queda. What the fuck? Last time I checked, Iraq was secular, and Al'queda claimed to be Islamic. Yeah, where are your evil do-ers now? Also, by attacking Iraq, just because it's not being as co-operative as it can be to weapon inspectors, he's setting a precident. Now nations all over the world can attack another, just because there's the slight possibilty of attack. Great. Get the first blow. Good idea, you fucking retard. Let's piss off the whole world, because you're so full of your self. I hate Hussein just as much as the next human that despises wanton murder, but you just don't go around beating everyone over the head who you don't like.

Of course, by "we" I may be misleading. I happen to have opposite views than the government on just about every subject out there. I say natural non-pollutant resources, they say bring on the fossil fuels. I say don't go around starting fights with everyone, and focus on the economy, stupid, they say kill everyone we don't like. I think we should leave everyone alone, unless they commit atrocities, and go about advancing in science until we either transcend our species and become homo homo superior, or build a working space craft that can ship people to Alpha Centauri.

Ok, so maybe I've been playing too much FreeCiv lately, but I don't feel the goal of the United States of America should be to stick its proverbial nose into everyone's business. The atrocities thing: Theres this thing about killing thousands of innocent people just because you want to I don't like, and yes, Hussein falls under the category of complete asshole/butcher, but that stuff isn't even being brought up. We're fighting the "evil do-ers." The "new axis of evil." The "terrorists." It seems we always have to be fighting something, doesn't it? I wouldn't mind as much if Bush said "Look, he's killing his own people, we've got to stop him." Remember, we put Hussein in power because we didn't like Iran though. But Bush is trying to push the weapons inspection issue. Sure, all the inspectors say that Iraq is co-operating, however grudingly, and that they need more time, but does Bush care? Nope. He runs around saying Iraq is not co-operating, and that is a reason to attack him. Now, if a country you hated, ran by a man everyone hated, were to decide to just now (there were two years during the Bush Administration where no one thought about Iraq at all), that he was going to attack you unless you did everything he said, and then kept pushing and pushing, asking for more, wouldn't you be a little irked? And apperently, Husseins bio-weapons weren't a big issue at the UN either, for them to have not done anything about it since 1998.

Anywho, next, Boelhert said that the reason the first time in our history the country actually had a surplus, it was turned back into a deficit because of the 9/11/2001 attacks and the building of new departments. I.e. Dept. of Homeland security. Not that it was in actuality squandered by the first president we've ever had who can't read at a sixth grade level giving tax cuts to his rich friends. "That's pretty harsh, Slade!" You might say. And you might be right. I don't know if George Washington could read, so I probably can't quite make that generalization. I apologize. Now, as everyone else except apperently Boelhert knows, Bush is a war monger. He's too stupid to do anything right around here except try to force people to accept his views, so he needs to distract the public with war after war. Boelhert said "If Bush wanted a war, why has it been almost a year and we still aren't at war?" Yeah, the reason is because in our form of governement, we have a "Checks and Balances" system. This system was designed by our founding fathers to prevent war mongers from trying to attack every nation that doesn't act like we do. That is why Bush hasn't had his war. Boelhert went on and on about how the US is so great, and we don't want wars, we want peace, and in that, he's correct. Most of the people don't want war. It's the select few in power that do, and the people still stupid/naieve enough to believe all the shit that our wonderfully conservative media says.

My favorite web master asked this question of Boelhert: "Many countries that we are allied with also possess bio/nuclear weaponry. What gives us the right to decide who can have them and who can't?" To this, Boelhert responded that it was OK because Hussein was using them, and on his own people too, and that made him worse. Well, what about Israel? I seem to recall seeing lots of footage of Israeli soldiers shooting Palestinian civilians and driving tanks through residential areas. Apperently, though, since the US decided that the Palestinians weren't important when they gave the land to the Jewish terrorists after WWII and said the Hell with Palestine, the Jews were here before you guys, even though they were put into slavery and/or left the country. But since Israel was here, they could all go fuck themselves. So, it's OK if the Israelis are just as bad, because the US doesn't like Palestinians. Oh, and Israel is a Democracy. Speaking of that, we're not even a friggin' Democracy. We're a "democratic" Republic, which means the wealthy control politics.

I may have gone in with a slightly less cynical mind than usual, but after hearing that man's silver tongue, I can't stand him. We may agree on some issues, but anyone can say that about just about anyone. Hitler went to confession. All his credibility went when started with the bullshitting politician talk. I was really hoping that he wasn't going to be a lying, cheating Republican, but I can't just go in to everything having already made up my mind, can I? I'd be no better than them. Of course, he's going to be elected until the day someone lies better, or he dies, which ever comes first. For some reason, most of our area votes Republican, a phenomenon I can't understand. One would think that when Republicans take over and suddenly there's a recession and half the state is poor(er), that they'd realize the "trickle down" economy only works for the rich, but apperently not.


Ok, that's about it for today. Hey, I'm only a day late, and that rant is fairly wordy. Tomorrow: politics in my school. It's neat how these things are connected, even though I didn't really plan it.

Oh yeah. I'm on MSN now, so you can contact me at sladeo@hotmail.com on it if you are afraid of AIM. Don't send me e-mail though, it's my spam buffer account. You know where to find me if you need me.
posted by Slade at 10:21 PM

I'm feeling crazy this week, so I'm going to try a Theme Week! Why? Besides being insane, you mean? Well, I've got a few ideas that have been floating around in my grey matter for a while, and they all revolve around my school, so I'm going to try for actual insightful, humorous updates for a change. Yeah, I don't think I can pull it off either, but I'm going to try. I only have a few minutes left during this study hall, so I'm going to start the next post now and finish it tonight if I can pull myself away from the newly rented Resident Evil Zero. I've also got a another spiffy keen idea that I'm going to do too, compeltely unrelated.

I'm surprised my previous rant was so long as well. I didn't think I could be partially asinine and partially expressing my actual opinions for so long.
posted by Slade at 12:33 PM