Wouldn't it be great to be God, assuming He exists? I'd love to be the guy in charge of the whole universe. I'd rule it fairly one day, completely irrationally the next. What would I do? Even I wouldn't know until I did it. People wouldn't have to worship me either. I mean c'mon, I made a whole universe in a week and billions of years later, people are thanking me for it? I know I'm great. That's why I'm God. They don't need to bother. It gets to be a nusiance. And all those people killing in my name? That would tick me off. I'd have to smite them pretty fast. I'd have to be creative, so that I left no doubt in the pitiful people's minds that it was I that killed the person who was giving me a bad name, and not just some accident.

First, there's the classic lightning bolt. Sure, if it happens while a man is standing under a tall tree using a sheet of metal during a thunderstorm, no one will think twice, but how about while the man is digging a mine tunnel? There's the giant foot, which simply comes down from the heavens and squishes the guy. Try explaining that, science! Theres also the really really weird life is out to get you way. Like a guy bends over to pick up a quarter, but he's stopped right underneath a paino that's being raised into the air. The cables are metal, but all of them snap anyway. Even then, someone sees that, and tackles the guy, saving his life, as the piano crashes down a second after he is pushed aside. Except there was a bank robbery earlier, and the guy stole a tour bus as a getaway vehicle. Said doomed person thanks the other man for saving his life and takes a step into the street. He pauses to tie his shoe, and as he stands up to walk across the street, he gets hit by said tour bus.

Sure, smiting people is always fun, but what about what else you can do? Say, playing with the laws of the universe? I'd get bored with gravity always pulling things, so occasionally I'd have to flip my gravity switch in my symbolic "office" and reverse it all. Yes, everything everywhere in the universe would suddenly fall up. Then I'd flip it back down, and everything would fall back off the cieling. Fip up, flip down. I could mess with people all day long. Oh, and for all those people outside, have fun in the outer atmosphere. But being in a higher plane of existance, days wouldn't seem like very much, so people would be falling into outerspace and sticking on their ceilings for days before I got tired of that little entertainment. And the whole motion thing? What if there was suddenly no friction whatsoever. Sand would be slicker than ice is now. People could throw things at each other across the world. There could be a paper war between China and Britain. Bullets would go too fast, of course, and simply fly off the planet.

Then there's the upkeep of the universe to worry about. Every now and then I'd have to make new models of everything based on tests from my R&D lab. The greed factor would be eliminated from Homo homo sapiens, and it would be instinctual for them to high five each other every time they thought of chia pets. Deer would become animals driven by an insane bloodlust, and the rabbit would suddenly taste like molten rubber. Volcanoes would spew pistachio ice cream, and ants would form unions to fight their oppressive queens. Zebras would eventually evolve into tea drinking business associates who quickly climb to the top of the corporate ladder. And I'd make an alien world based on the Simpsons. Or is there already one, and Groening can see though time and space to places galaxys away? Nah. Only God can do that. And I'd be filling the shoes.

But it's gotta be tough having the whole universe to run, so eventually I'd have to take a vacation and let Stu, my understudy, run the place for a while. I'd go to a paradise in Paradise, where all of the greek gods had their own reality TV series. How long will it take for one immortal dysfunctional family to go crazy and go at eachothers throats? Well, to be honest, it happens a thousand years ago, but it's still fun to watch. The Egyptian gods would be champion beach volleyball players, and we'd all drink perfect tasting no calorie cola, even though we can't gain weight. We'd sit around drinking our soda in those tall glasses with the mini umbrella in it, telling eachother stories about some of the crazy things the mortals did, and then play squash.

And then, after Stu had made a mess of things (but being omnipotent, I knew he would have already), I'd come back, ready to mess with everyone's heads all over again.
posted by Slade at 12:24 PM

So yesterday in chemistry lab, we watched the most cheesy thing ever. It was a parody, and was so bad I loved it. It was... get ready for this... Au : The Atom with the Gold electron. Also starring Cl₂, the bleach blonde bond shell. Yes, since you obviously can't tell because I just made a mess of my intro, it was a parody of James Bond. Pierce Brosnan, even did the voice of the starring role. That title is a play on The Man With the Golden Gun, a Bond flick. Which of course sucked. But I'm not going to go into why I hate Bond films at this moment it time. I'm going to explain this horridly awesome parody.

First up was the floating women... err... molecules, in the wavy psychedelic... bond-esque intro. The "credits" rolled, saying Au, Cl₂, Cu, etc. Soon, we were in Cu's office. It would have been cool if Cu was the gadget guy, (like Q. It's wordplay!), but he was the leader. He's a floating shiny coppery colored sphere with a blue hat on, and the letters Cu tattooed on his front. Well, if a sphere can have a front. Anywho, Bond, Metallic Bond, enters, and gets briefed. Apparently, the evil Carbon was out to make different bonds. "But I'm the only Bond around here." Quipped Au. So it was up to him to infiltrate Carbon's base, find out just what he was doing, and then stop it. Yakity yak. Just stop talking.

The whole thing was done in computer animation, so every molecule was a floating sphere. Objects were interacted with by mysteriously floating over to the sphere that needed them. You think you've seen it all until you see a giant molecule float a wine glass over to itself.

How do you feel? Confused? Good. That's how I felt about the whole movie. But I digress. So Bond goes into Carbon's bar walks up to O₂, his mole, who tells him that secret experiments are being carried out, and he has to watch out for Chlorine, the bleach blonde bond shell. She's going to be the evil woman that seduces Bond into bed and then decides to join his side. Don't worry, I didn't ruin it for you, anyone with less than three valence electrons would have guessed that by now. (See that? Bad humor. Stuff like that was thrown all through this movie.) So, bond goes over to Chlorine, and they sit down. Two drinks float with "woo"ing sounds over to them, and they chat about something... some more stuff happens... well... I kind of forgot most of the movie... but it's not important. I can remember one scene particularly well, so I'm going to explain it. Oh yeah, C sounds really, really, gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just funny to see in a chemistry movie. He doesn't have a lisp, but sounds quite fruity. Of course, he might not be the first gay super villain. I don't mean to stereotype.

So Bond takes Chlorine back to his hotel room, complete with heart shaped love pad bed, and begins to sweet talk her into taking off her outer shell. Well not really, because of course, Cl doesn't loose electrons, it gains them. It's a non-metal. She says "So, Mr. Bond, what kind of bonding are you into?" And he says "Metallic. I usually only bond to atoms of my own type. But I can be swayed into an ionic bond once in a while." Whoa whoa whoa! Rewind that! He only bonds to atoms of his own type? That sounds like a reference to Bond being a little bi-sexual. Not that there�s anything wrong with that, it just seems like a subject to... I don't know... stay away from in chemistry class. Of course, it could be just my strangely wired mind that picked up on that. He gets chlorine onto the love pad, and then there is some sexual innuendo. "Ooh! You have so many valence electrons!" and "Your outer shell is almost impenetrable." I'm not joking here. Then, Chlorine proceeds to float around Bond complete with "woo"ing sounds. At this point I said "We're not supposed to be watching this in chemistry class." To the teacher. Suddenly there is a banging on the door. It must be Carbon's goons!

Bond of course, has everything all planned out, and his heart shaped love pad bed grows thrusters. They fly out of the window and past the moon, ET style, and land outside the hotel room on the ground, just as C's goons pop around the corner and chase them. The two heroes quickly escape down the street, and come across a parade of Potassium (K). What the hell? I don't care what element you are, no one has parades at night. I bet is was a cover-up for a crack dealing business. All the K's are red with marching hats on. The two decide to hide in the parade to escape the goons. Bond pushes the conductor out of line and takes his stuff, and After some dialogue ("Chlorine, what will you do about your blonde bond shell?") Chlorine decides to take one of K's electron so she can be of the same size as one. Of course, when she does this, she becomes a negatively charged ion, and all of the positive K's begin to stick to her. She's become... a salt! Nooo...! Just when we were about to see her kernel, she gets chased and turned into a salt! Damn it! I wanted some action here!

Bond quickly pulls a Walky-talky out of nowhere and radios HQ for backup. C's goons seem to have been forgotten about. Not a second later, lots of Water molecules parachute in. They land, and are these tiny buggers with red berets on. The special forces. "A little small, aren't you?" Bond says to the one in charge. "Size doesn't matter sir, it's that we're polar." And they go about turning the salt into solution, breaking it apart. Then, for some inexplicable reason, there is about ten seconds of a puddle of water in the street just rippling. Yep. Just watching the water ripple. Don't even get some ambiance.

Cut to HQ. Cu and Ag are there. Bond says "Ag, why aren't you in the field?" Silver replies "Well, it's hard to be secretive when you have the letters 'Ag' for agent printed on you." It is then we realize that Ag sounds quite strange. It's almost a combination of Pee Wee Herman, a duck, and a Teletubby. (I wish I could find a pic like that on the Internet somewhere.) He's all silver colored and shiny, and takes them into a back room. They've got Chlorine and a potassium hooked up to some infernal death machine. I said "Oh no, what are they doing to her?", and was answered with complete silence by my classmates. Silence, while a poor atom was going to be tortured. There's no hope for society.

But Ag just flips a lever, which runs a current through the Potassium and Chlorine, fixing the electron imbalance and restoring them to their neutral state. Then I kind of completely spaced out until the period ended.

Ratings:

Cheesiness factor: 5/5 - Blonde Bond shell. Need I say more?
Bad puns factor: 4/5 - There were too many to quote.
Hot atom on atom action: 6/5 Mmm... that Chlorine is reactive!
Gay villains: 3/5 - Carbon was super! But not that super.
Pierce-ing voice: 4/5 - He's no Sean Connery, but he gets the job done.
Slutty Bond girls: 3/5 - O₃ and Chlorine were on him like flies on rotten cows.
Neat computer animation: 1/5 - I liked the reflections. Otherwise, it was pretty unimaginative, generic CG.
Cool gadgets: 5/5 - The rocket bed made the whole movie! I want a rocket bed. It's easily the most awesome gadget ever. I could be making the moves on some lucky girl, and say "Do you want to see the stars?" and if she said yes, then I'd fly out the window. I could also travel everywhere I wanted to go. Hmm� lets see, I have ten hours till daylight, at two hundred miles an hour, minus pillow drag� let�s go see the Sphinx up close! And then check out the Coliseum! And the best part would be the auto piloting system that would have been thoughtfully installed, so I could even sleep during the trips, and not miss as much shut-eye.

So anyway, this movie gets a 4/5. The atom sex scene and rocket bed saved it from a menacing two. This movie is definatlly worth a laugh, if you got decent grades in high-school chemistry, so you can understand the references. Also watching a Bond movie helps too.

On another note: Liberty Fries? WTF? We aren't going to war with the French. The US government convinced people to rename german foods that were invented in America during WWI, while they were testing just how much violation of the First Amendment they could get away with. It was settled in the Supreme Court, who ruled that the Government could in fact take away our rights, as long as the person showed a "clear and present danger" to the safety of the US. That is a bad euphimism for "disagreeing with anything The Man says." Because the Government had to convince a nation that practiced non-involvement that they should go fight the Germans. So they spread their lies and misinformation, and any who still weren't fooled were put in jail. Aargh. Rambling. One update per day is good enough, and Yahtzee did a nicer job on this topic anyway.
posted by Slade at 9:38 PM

Well, my wonderful server space, in its infinite wisdom, won't let me display images for no reason at all. Gee. I can type the url in and it shows it, but won't do it in the page. My HTML is correct (it's really easy). I've even tried the IP for the server, but to no avail. I dunno what to do. It looks even worse in Netscape. Wow. This version sucks.

Ha! I've found a way around it! I have to use the IP, and a port too. Sorry for any inconvienence.
posted by Slade at 10:03 PM

Ok, some back story is needed. Heccubus and I are going to have various elements of the other person's web site during an update in the future. (Crossover, for you web-people.) For his comic, I first made a .gif image, sent it to him, and he re-did it completely, adding in a coolness factor to my crappy artistry. Man, I really suck at this stuff. I'll have to talk to him about some pointers. Anywho, Heccubus' version shall be my official .gif form of myself. Expect some angry elf faces in the future... But enough chatter, on to the update! The numbers under the .gifs correspond to the numbers on the .gif, and are my thoughts on the subject.




1. Light pinkish fleshy colored skin.
2. Pointy elven ears stick out of his hair a bit. Those are only the tips, not the whole ears.
3. Typical angry at the world expression.
4. His hair's too... squarish and poofy. Too flat on top too.
5. Gray undershirt. I originally had it white, but it looked awful with the white background.
6. His hands are behind his back instead of in his pockets. I originally had them in pockets, but then realized that would make his legs too short, so I stuck them behind his back and made it look like the shirt was longer.
7. Speaking of legs, here are the classic blue carpenter jeans.
8. Where are his knees, anyway?
9. Rounded nose. It's too fat looking.
10. Here his is in his stylish black T-shirt, complete with Slipknot S logo.
11. The shoulders are too flat for the perspective I was going for.
12. Ugly looking gray shoe-type things. I've never been able to draw feet.
13. It took me like an hour to get the friggin' tips of his hair to look like that.




1. Almost jaundice colored skin. I'd worry, but everyone in Heccubus' comics have skin that color.
2. Rounded shoulders that mimic my poor posture. I didn't even tell him I slouched. Freaky!
3. Stylin' maroon Slipknot T-shirt.
4. Hands in his pockets. Note the too short legs.
5. Grey undershirt.
6. Are those knees under those black jeans? I need some black jeans. I only own blue pairs.
7. Wierd black shoe-like blobs. Seems I'm not the only one who can't do feet.
8. No more perfect curve-like strands. His hair is everywhere.
9. Elvish ears. The angle is more towards 0 degrees.
10. I dunno what the hair is doing there.
11. Some knife thingy that will come to play in Hecc's Comic.
12. Typical bored of life expression.

That was easy, as I typed everything beforehand, and used the wonderful "ctrl+v" on it. Work is progressing on my story a bit, although I'm still going to have to work on it a ton. And I have an idea for two more updates! One of which will be spiffy keen! Cheerio. (Not the cereal.)
posted by Slade at 9:40 PM

Also, tomorrow : Some .gifs! What I'd look like were I a small .gif picture, and looked even remotely how I wanted to! And I'm writing a short story, a serious one. It's still in sucky mode, because I haven't gone through the neccesary sixty revisions to it yet. I had written it before, but it really really sucked, and I deleted it, so now I'm trying it again, with my better *snicker* writing skills.
posted by Slade at 9:29 PM

Ugh. I left some woogy HTML in there from last time. See what one missed quote can do to you? The art of HTML is like walking on the tip of a razor sharp blade, where on one side is a bottomless lake of fire, and the other side a bottomless pit of poisonous snakes. Now, why one would want to be walking on that blade is a different matter altogether. For that, we'll have to analyze the man doing the walking, let's call him Joe.

Joe is almost average. Six feet tall, he weighs 200 pounds, is Caucasian, and his family has a history of female baldness and male breast cancer. He eats correctly, except during New Year's Eve, when he drinks himself stupid. He works a desk job; executive accountant of public relations at the Someplaceville Publishing company. He has a slight slouch, very mild spina-bifida, and doesn't require glasses. He jogs every day for twenty minutes, has a salad for lunch, and comes home to his beautiful wife, and his million dollar ranch house. He was only in trouble with the law once, in ninth grade, when he accidentally set fire to some toilet paper in a public restroom. He's an honorary member of the NRA, goes to jury duty, and was even a politician. As mayor of Someplaceville, five years ago he passed a Clean Water Act, which made the dumping of clean water into the Someplace Reservoir illegal. Only horribly polluted water is allowed into the water, and projects are underway to make sure the reservoir is too dirty to drink. All of this sounds fine (the last bit if you're Republican), right? Except... Joe has a horrible secret.

Joe has acute psychosis. Every time he smells limburger cheese, he suddenly becomes a violent, profane madman, capable of murder. He has been acquitted on three accounts of murder for being absolutely insane, is assumed to have had a hand in six more cases, and has also been kicked out of every casino in Los Vegas. He is a masochist and sadist, often cutting himself and others, using the pain to help suppress his confusion. Duing these fits, his memory is suddenly blocked off. He constantly suffers extended periods of unconsciousness, where it feels as if he is spiraling into a bottomless inky black chasm. He only has moments of coherency, and is so frightened, he must express these as hatred towards anything that moves. He has a fondness for gouda cheese, tends to wear bright orange, and a red bow tie.

Joe has been institutionalized five times, but gets out for good behavior, some money in the hands of the head doctor, and a promise to take his pills. He never remembers what has happened when he regains conscienceness, only that he sometimes blacks out, and winds up in the middle of nowhere and blood on his hands. He finds this strange, but whoever it was that bled on him is never to be found again, and he wanders back to his mansion and into bed with his wife, disheveled. Everyone ignores him, as he is the second most prominent person in Someplaceville, and owns nearly half of the town. Joe is also a middle man in one of the largest rudebega smuggling rings ever to hit the United States, and is in debt to the Mafia.

Joe is actually quite insecure about all of his abilities, and tends to act irrationally when he's challenged. He has been the blunt of many, many drunken Christmas dares, such as jumping into the snow nude, and climbing a flag pole upside down. He gets revenge, though, and has the people who dare him demoted, so only the brave dare make fun of him.

At any rate, Joe was on a business trip to Guam to start a new branch of Someplaceville Publishing, when a flying sheep leapt onto his private jet, broke through the window, and bit the jugular vein of the pilot. Joe had never flown before, and the plane plummeted to the earth. Joe leapt out of the side door with his parachute, but it didn't open. He landed in the water at a dive, and managed to not snap his neck, and was promptly eaten by sharks.

Upon his arrival in Hell, Joe was forced to endure many torturous punishments. He was ripped apart, ridiculed, forced to kill kittens (but not real souls of kittens, only Demonic Co. made facades.) One demon, however, being exceptionally clever, said Joe could return to Earth and start over, should he be able to complete a challenge.

The demon said that if he could eat six pounds of limburger cheese, then he'd be allowed a second chance. Of course, as soon as Joe went to eat that cheese, Joe went into a frenzy and began attacking the demon. In response to his behavior, Joe was sentenced to eternal torture most foul. If he could get to the other side of a razor thin blade, surrounded by lava and poisonous snakes, he would be allowed to be tortured normally. Of course, there was an invisible wall at the very end of the blades, and if he fell he'd have to start over, because it's Hell. He's not supposed to escape for real.

And that is why someone was walking along a razor thin blade surrounded by untold peril. Thank you for that analogy, Joe. I owe you one. Here. This is for you: Joe, we hardly knew ye.


Sorry, it started out like a good idea. *shrug*
posted by Slade at 9:23 PM

Today in gym class, I split my left index finger's nail. But I didn't even know, because I was really getting into our game of floor hockey. I just thought Damn, that hurts! for a few minutes, and then forgot about it. It was then that I realized my hand was sticky, and I looked down, only to see my finger covered in blood, and a broken nail.

During lunch, I went to the gym with my skater friends and one dumbass, and we played some basket ball. You know, I'm not so bad with my glasses on. Maybe not wearing them really messes my depth perception up. Anyway, it was six on two, and it was a struggle to keep ahead of them. One of them was a real spaz, and came flying out of nowhere half the time for layups, and the other guy was just too damned big. And they were playing comptetatively. Yeah, we suck, but it was still pretty fun.

But that still doesn't top what happened after lunch. I was in chemistry lab, and out of nowhere, this guy says "I hit a turkey with my truck yesterday." We pressed him for details, being bored and what not, and it turns out... brace yourselves... he friggin' meant to hit the goddamned turkey. He swerved his big ol' pickup truck into the bird, and when that didn't kill it, he got out and killed it with his bare hands. He then threw it in the back of his truck, took it home, and stuck it in his freezer.

WTF?! I mean, I don't argue when my friend Jacob says we live in a hick school, but I've always tried to not let his opinions bias me. I'll decide for myself. And I have. What the hell is wrong with people? You don't fuggin' kill a turkey with your 4x4 and then bring it home for dinner! Hasn't Cletus from The Simpsons taught these people anything? Roadkill. Is not. FOOD!!! You kick it to the side of the ditch and let the highway crew worry about it. You don't take it home for supper.

LIL' JEB: "Hey Paw, what we goin' eat tanight? We durn gone and ate the last of the skunk we found in the ga-ragee yesterday!"
PAW: "Don't you worry them four teeth of yours, lil' Jeb, I durn found me a fresh turkey! The sea-ment makes it tastes better!"
MAW: "Paw? Is that you? Your's parents is wantin' food again!"
PAW: "They's your parents too, Maw, just like's they's been 'afore we were married. Jus' poke 'em with a stick, they'll stop badgerin' ya!"

Well, my I'm now officially under the Burn the School to the Ground with the Hicks in it party. I've always wanted to destroy our school, because it sucked, but now, it is my duty as an American citizen to drop a nuke right there. Well, actually my duty as an American is to support everything the government tells me to, serve my country regardless of how I feel about issues, and go to third world countrys and tell them how to do things. But my duty as a radical, leftist, anti-establishment, kid of guy, is to personally wipe every hick in our school from the face of the earth forever. And the messier the better.

What's next? Marrying their cousins? Playing in jug bands? Eating shoes as a bet? Cletus serves us all as a reminder of what never to be like, not an idol! Cement does not make food taste better. I'm getting scared people. Now that I know just how hickish our school is, I don't know if I can stand it. I might just have to go crazy, and run away to Canada... no, it's too cold there. (Sorry, I still love you, oh, Cananda.) I'd have to fly to Sunny Southern California. Or maybe Mississippi. There are probably less hicks there...

Please kill me.

In other news, I've updated my Links page a wee bit, and made a Stats page of myself. It's also linked to at the bottom of the about page. You probably won't understand it unless you are an avid RPG fan, or have played an ASCII RPG, but just know that it is really funny. It's just an in joke. It has a lot of detail in it as a parody, the numbers, the colors, the layout, etc... Well, it amuses me...

Check out the brand spankin' new menu on your left if you haven't, there's some good stuff in there. And no more ugly archive list.
posted by Slade at 9:47 PM

Ok! I finally have some real pages! Note the brand new side bar to your left!
posted by Slade at 10:24 PM

I said I'd do it, and amazingly, I did it! (Well, almost) I've put together a links page, and a page for my Contra Comics, but I don't want to put them online until I get an archives, about, and contact page together. I want to revamp my links bar so it's a menu. My rudimentary HTML "5k33lz" will be put to the test, so to speak. Let's hope I can get some computer time in tomorrow.

Also, I forgot to say this when I posted Contra Comic 5, but I fixed Red and Blue Pants so the flap of their bandanna shows. See, in Contra, the flap is black, so you almost never see it. In SuperC, it's red, so you know it's there. I was playing some SuperC and noticed the bandanna flap, so I added it to my comics. I think they look way cooler with it. It's tomorrow morning, now, so I'm going to bed for the next ten hours.
posted by Slade at 12:39 AM