Have I ever mentioned how much I hate funerals? Of all social gatherings, the funeral is definitely in my top three. The other two would be cocktail parties and lemming fights. I can't stand to see the poor buggers push each other off of a cliff for the monetary benefit of others. It's just wrong. But I digress. Go figure.

If you'll recall, one of my grandfathers died around thanksgiving. The other died at the beginning of this week. Today, I had to go to the wake. Do you know why we have a wake? Well, around the time that people thought that leeches would somehow cure ailments by sucking blood, no one knew if someone was dead. They'd wait around for a day or two, and if the person still didn't move, they would poke the deceased in the eye. If nothing happened, the person would call their friend, who would come over and poke the person in the eye. If that still didn't work, the two would call the doctor. He'd come over with his leeches in an old pickle jar filled with swamp water. He would stick three leeches on the deceased's neck, wave smelling salts in front of the deceased's nose, and then poke the guy in the eye. Now, after all of these tests, and the man still didn't move, he would be set in a casket for burial. But! Due to the lack of any scientific approach to medicine, the doctor couldn't even be totally sure that the man was dead. So he put the man out in the open, in hopes that in three day's time the man would wake up.

See, before wakes, there was no sure way to tell if someone was dead, so occasionally funeral parlors suffered the rather large embarrassment of burying someone who was still alive. While this led to many ghost stories and much folk-lore, it was pretty bad for business. Who'd want to give Phil, still alive, to be suffocated in an early grave, because they doctor didn't poke him in the eye enough? Anywho, The first attempt at avoiding this was a bell. It was placed inside the coffin, and if the seemingly deceased were to somehow wake up, he would ring the bell and hope the caretaker would a. hear him, and b. dig him up before his meager air supply ran out. The problems with this were obvious. As the bell couldn't be heard from more than two feet away, and caretakers were fond of not paying attention to it, people were suffocated anyway. Bells were tried above ground, with a string leading from the striker down to the supposed corpse, but this wasn't cost effective, and the caretakers eventually ran to get shovels every time a bell rang, where ever they were. Disgruntled housewives complained, as having their husbands dig in the yard wasn't a preferred response to the dinner bell. So, then, all the old fogies in town sat around the local store and shared their shares of buried alive stories, and one man had an epiphany. Why not just leave the body out for a few days, to make sure he was dead? Well, the next time the guy stubbed his toe, he went down to the doctor to get it bled, and told the guy about his idea. Wakes were born.

Ok, now, I really hate wakes. First of all, you have to look at a dead body. Normally, this is no problem with me, except I have this strange fear of the un-dead. I kept expecting my grandpa's eyes to pop open, or his fingers to twitch, or his chest to start breathing. I know its not going to, but I can't help imagining it, and if I stare long enough, his chest actually does seem to move a little bit. And to clarify, I'm not afraid of dead people, I'm afraid of them coming back to un-life. Once they were zombies, I'd probably beat him back into the grave with a chair. But it would really freak me out seeing them get up. It's the shock value.

But the worst part is the big facade I have to put up. See, I'm not a grieving kind of person. I accept death as a part of the life cycle, and therefore have reduced feelings of sadness after the death of a family member. I just don't feel sad that my grandpa is gone. I mean, I'd rather have had him not dead, or had him go quietly, but he didn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not insensitive. I am the guy who everyone cries on. When I see relatives about to cry, I go over to them and hug them for a while. After a while my shoulders get pretty wet, as you can imagine. But I hate having to act serious. I have to keep my face graven constantly, and refrain from cracking the occasional wry/dry joke out of respect for the grievers. I can't stand it. I don't like pretending to be sad for three hours just because other people are. If it were up to me, I'd either leave, or just go around talking (read: not talking) to people for a while, and then get bored and leave. Am I being disrespectful because I don't want to stare at a dead body for three hours and pretend to feel an emotion I don't so I don't seem like the ass that I am? I don't think so. I feel that my grandpa wouldn't want everyone staring at his cold lifeless body and crying at him constantly. And it is tough not to smile when I get two people hugging me at once. I don't know why, but I find that funny for some reason. Meh. And yet, strangely, I'm quite good at my charade. Occasionally my mom would comment on how sad I looked, and I would have to force myself to not grin at the irony of the situation. Although looking sad enough to warrant hugs from everyone helps me immensely, I don't have to like it.

And then there�s the dress. It has to be semi-formal attire, which means dress pants, a belt, and button up shirt. First of all, you always need a belt when you wear dress pants. Even when you don't need one to hold your pants up. Especially when the pants are just a little too tight. Where did this stupid rule come from? Did someone host a dinner party and the only guest who didn't wear a belt was pants'd all night, and felt so embarrassed that he ran and obtained a high political seat in a major city and issued a law stating that belts must be worn at all times when wearing dress pants? Also, I hate wearing button up shirts. They are hot, uncomfortable, and a hassle. Those stupid wrist buttons have to be buttoned, but then it cuts off the circulation to my wrists. No, I do not have fat wrists. And the worst part is that I like to dress snazzily, but I don't have any good dress shirts that work with funerals. I have this neat black dress shirt, but it has red dragons lurking around every seam, and it's too flamboyant for a wake. I have this one that's blue and has beige triangles covering it, but it's just plain ugly, and has short sleeves. I really gotta get some cool, yet formal attire.

Well, that's all for today. Tomorrow: part two of what I hate about funerals. I go into what I hate about funerals. Oh, and I'm due to update my archives page. I'll do that either tonight or tomorrow, too.
posted by Slade at 10:36 PM

So I got to playing the Sims, and I just couldn't stop. Here for your entertainment, is my first experience with it.

IF you haven't played it, then first you have to create a family. You can pick what they look like, male/female, child/adult, and then their personality traits. Everything is compressed into neat, nice, active, and outgoing. Of course, since I'm a sadist, I just had to make people who would clash with one another. It just wouldn't be right having Sims living in harmony.

First, we have Bob, who is an angry long haired black guy with a kind of biker outfit on. He's a serious neat freak. I mean, he'd make sure the dust was categorized if he couldn't suck it up with a vaccuum.

Next is Lucy, the young Caucasian blond girl. She's the embodiment of all that I personally hate. She's ridiculessly nice and outgoing, but is so dirty she could make dirt look clean.

Finally we have Norman, who is very average. He's kind of nice, neat, out going, active. He's a middle aged man with glasses. Did I mention all of these people belong to the same family?

Ok, they live in a large one roomed house lit only by a lava lamp. There is an adult sized bed for two, and a childs bed. I couldn't resist trying to force the two men to spoon. But they don't. The guy who you tell to get in bed second makes this trumpet noise and then goes to do something else. There's a fireplace, a crappy wall clock, cheap refridgerator, and a walk in shower.

First, the bus came and Lucy went to school. Immediately after, Bob had to use the bathroom, and he made Norm leave the house so he could have some privacy. After he was done, some other Sims from the neighborhood showed up. I had one of my Sims talk to one of the ones that showed up, and Bob chased one away. Norm got along fine with his Sim. In fact, he made her laugh. Bob talked to another Sim, who barged past him into the house and to the bathroom. Bob, while not very nice, was kind enough to leave the house so the Sim could use it. At This point I was irked that I couldn't really force many situations to happen. C'mon, Maxis. You guys used to be cool! But then you got bought by the anti-cool, EA. Stupid corporate sell outs, always not letting my Sims not use the bathroom when another is in the room. A jogger came up to the house and butted into a conversation, and Bob decided that it was time to serve lunch to his guests. I was dismayed that I couldn't get them to use the bathroom in front of others, but I ended up putting walls and a door up so they could pee in peace. I moved in a kitchen table, and the neighbors ate their food and left the garbage on the floor. Bob really chewed them out and chased them all away before picking up the messes. Lucy came home and brought the bills in, which were paid by her.

Soon, it was bed time. Bob went to sleep in the single bed, depsite its size, and Norm promptly turned the TV on to an action program. Bob woke up and bitched to Norm about trying to sleep, and then Norm decided he'd hit the sack too. Lucy followed suit, and the next day the newspaper came! Bob applied to become a pickpocket, and Norm got a job as a security guard. Go figure! The Sims went about complaining about everything, making messes, using the bathroom, etc, and pretty soon I got bored.

I lured all of the Sims into the bathroom, and then deleted everything from the map. No doors, windows, appliances, nothing. I put the speed on turbo and watched the Sims finally lose their dignity and pee on the floor. They fell asleep in their own urine to my madly cackling voice. I showed them who wouldn't sleep where I told them to! They eventually all starved to death due to lack of sleep and nutrition. Whee! That was fun. I can see how Death can like his job. There's this wonderful feeling one gets when one can crush the life of another in ones hands in an instant. Having their fate rely entirely on your whim is exhilarating. I can't wait to do it again! This time I'll burn one to cinders, while the other begins to hallucinate from lack of food. Sure, there aren't any weekends, and it takes them twenty game minutes to walk from one end of the house to the other, but you can control their almost every move. Their life is completely dependant on you. And you can make sure that they are scared senseless when you log in. I definately gotta get in on the whole insanely cruel dictator/deity thing. That would be one fun job. Watch out world.

Hey, after I finish this, I'm going to do some of my L&E thingy, if I can. Also note I wrote a Bard's Tale and did some more shields at Polymorph. Go check 'em out if you haven't already.
posted by Slade at 10:44 PM

Well, it turns out I can safely mooch on my aunt's computer for hours at a time, as she lives in a duplex with her mother. So maybe I can get some updates up down here! I had an idea for one, but I can't think of it at the moment. Hmm... I have some more ideas, so let's go with that... on second thought, I'm going to play The Sims. I've never done it before, so maybe something will come of that.
posted by Slade at 10:25 PM

Ok, if you tuned in earlier today, you were left with a terse, cryptic message, crawling with brevity. I've moved it, as I've had time to finish this update, and can now tell you in more detail.

My grandfather passed away at around 4 AM early today. My parents left for West Virginia when he began to take a turn for the worse, as my aunt put it. They left my mom's kind, if not irritatingly bubbly, friend from work in charge of us, and I wasn't able to get online. As I and my sister are the only ones home at the moment, I'm OK, although I'm still going to make this quick. I'm leaving early tomorrow morning for West Virgina. We were going to leave anyway over the weekend, but since my grandfather began to get sicker, we wanted to leave earlier. So, there will be no comics this week, and depending on how much I get to use my aunt's computer at her house (which may not be much, as I'll inevitably have to go to the funeral), there may be an update or two. I'll try to stay in touch via Polymorph, and I'll check my web mail too. Peace.
posted by Slade at 4:52 PM

So I was flipping through the TV stations while bored on Sunday, or maybe it was Saturday. Or maybe I wasn't at home at the time. Anywho, I found Ebert and the New Skinny Guy. As you may or may not recall, the other Skinny Guy (Ebert) died last year from stomach cancer. Or maybe it was the year before. And liver failure. Or maybe he was made an unperson by the government. Ok, so I was watching the new show, and they just started hammering on Dreamcatcher, the movie. It's apperently got an all-star cast, and everyone who I've talked to has said it was at least good. And the Fat Guy, and the New Skinny Guy (I haven't bothered to learn his name) both gave it thumbs down. They said that it wasn't a good idea having the source of the guys' abilites stem from a kid with Downs Syndrome, and that it was instead of "a celestial sci-fi thriller" it was "a low budget gross-fest." What the hell? You mean these dumbasses have the nerve to attack an author's work that's been on #1 best seller lists (as have almost all of his previous works) on the major plot points of his own story? I think that these two shouldn't knock someones work until they can pull their heads out of their asses long enough to breathe. They are in serious need of the Slade treatment. (Horrendous torture, or alternatively many, many kicks to the head.) I don't run around making fun of critics despite not having seen the movie, so the critics shouldn't knock best selling authors until they write their own best selling novels. In fact, I will write a letter to them, which while it will never actually be sent to them, may just entertain me and possibly you, for a few minutes more. (Translation: I couldn't get this rant to a decent word count.)

Dearest Fat Guy and New Skinny Guy,
I feel that your review of the movie "Dreamcatcher" was horribly skewed. As you've obviously not been paid enough to give this movie a good review (something that I realized happens frequently when you said Dumb and Dumber wasn't funny at all), I will help rectify this situation, and for free even! First of all, "the retarded guy" as you call him, wasn't a bad idea. Just because he couldn't communicate well didn't mean that he was stupid in any way. He was special in more ways then one. Second, the "slugs", as you term them, were the result of an incompatability between parasite and host. Is their means of escape any more or less gross than those of the facehuggers from the Aliens franchise? I seem to recall the aliens exploded from peoples' chest, exposing internal organs. In fact, the expulsion through the rectum is actually less gruesome, as no internal organs are revealed, not adding to the disgusting quality which you feel shouldn't be a part of the horror genre. I disagree on your generalization that the movie was "a gore-fest", when in fact, there were only two scenes involving the "slugs." Oh, and how does Warner Brothers Studios maker a low budget film when the actors consist of those such as Morgan Freeman and Jason Lee? In the future, I hope you, to quote a phrase, "don't knock it until you've tried it." I mean, of course, blatantly attacking a bestselling author's work on major plot points. About that. Yes, well, let's just say it makes you look like that VHS cassette with the label torn off and half the reel ripped out, rather than the crisp, clear pictured DVD. I feel that until you write your own best selling horror novels, or better yet, learn to read, that you shouldn't just fling harsh insults about without thinking of the consequences.
Sincerely yours,
Slade

PS - I'm forwarding the address of an excelent proctologist. Maybe he will have more luck in finding your heads. Oh, and Fat Guy, I hope you lose weight, and Skinny Guy, gain a little bit, because you're looking anorexic.


posted by Slade at 12:43 PM

Hoo ha. I just ftp'ed my whole folder from school to my server space, so I have some drawback updates/deatures comming soon. We have my wacky powerpoint presentations, some notes I typed out last year, and my satire dubbed "art." Hilarity shall soon ensue. I just gotta install powerpoint on my machina at my house. I'm out of time at my study hall, so that's all for now.
posted by Slade at 9:16 AM

Nope, couldn't get started tonight, because I wasn't allowed to go on the Internet. It sucks. I did, however, think up a good rantin' topic for tomorrow, and uploaded my short story A Slice of Heaven. You know, I re-read it today, (I posted it a long time ago) edited it a smidge, and I still think it's pretty funny. It's also one of the very few stories I've actually finished. (I'm quite proud of that.) What do you guys think? Oh, that's in terms of as a story, writing level/style/tone/what ever. I need some constructive critcism. Speaking of stories, I've edited the current seious one I'm doing. I may just finish it before this year is over. No joke! I need to do something else (maybe my L&E thing) so I have an excuse to make a new page to stick my extra stuff on. A miscellanious page, even... Anywho, cheerio, toodle pip and all that, wot wot.
posted by Slade at 10:12 PM

Beware the talking zombie pillow! Beware... I'm going to get started on breaking up my L&E thingy tomorrow, I hope. I was going to do it tonight, but my meager half hour online has gone by so fast...
posted by Slade at 10:15 PM

Woo! I got it done! It took me.. six hours, for some reason, but I'm not complaining. I didn't have anything else to do anyway today. Episode ten, The Plot Coalesces, is up. I was going to call it "The Plot Thickens" but then I realized that up until this point, I haven't really shown any plot. I really have started to love Google's Image Search. Maybe you'll see more real pictures in my comics now. Oh, and I rediscovered my talent for solving slide puzzles in an insanely short amount of time while playing The Wind Waker. That's all for now.
posted by Slade at 6:31 PM

I've just discovered the long heard about but never tried Google Image Search! And people say the only thing the internet is good for is porn! I'm working on my Contra Comic, which will, as I've already leaked, have a plot! (It's crazy!) (Not the plot. That I'm starting one in general.) I sent in some more knight's shields for Lefty's Knight's Tales. When he gets around to putting them up, I'll tell you. I'm also going to get started on breaking my too large update for L&E into three smaller but no less humorous ones. I know you're wondering how I can just break something up, and when I get it finished, you'll find out. I apologize, it's just that I like to do everything in secret. I don't like giving away my updates early, 'cause it ruins the surprise.

Ok, I've been online for far too long now to just get an image of a toaster (you'll see...), and I'm hungry and left the ham and the cheese out, so I'll be back on later with my tenth comic.
posted by Slade at 2:25 PM