Well, lots of things are happening today. The Matrix: Reloaded is officially comming out, there's a new Two Skulls that Talk, and a lunar eclipse tonight. In celebration of these circumstances, I will not be updating today. Ok, so I wasn't planning on updating anyway, but shut up. I mean... look behind you! [somehow runs, despite the fact that this is all really just words on a computer screen.] Oh, you're still here... um... well... actually, I have two free periods today, back to back, because we had a party in Spanish class. It was supposed to be a Cinco de Mayo party, but we couldn't have it today, so it's a Quince de Mayo party. Anywho, half of the official lunch period in our school is used for classes, and the other half for lunch. My Spanish class is normally during the second half of the lunch time, and I have lunch the first. Funny how that works, eh? But we had the Spanish party during my lunch period, and then didn't have Spanish afterwards, so I'm here in the library. And I have an official study hall next period, so I've got some time to kill.

So... what should I write about today? Hmm. I can't really think of anything. I have a topic for tomorrow, but I can't do it at school. Hmm... nope. I have nothing. Ok, if you really want to be entertained, click here. Loads of fun. I guess I'll link up to Lint's Internal Doom. He was on Heccubus' Domain, but decided to start on his own. Go him. If reading about him hating things is your cup o' tea, and it probably is if you read what I write, then check it out. That's it for now.
posted by Slade at 12:08 PM

Totalitarian regimes are not a pretty sight. If you�ve read 1984, watched the news, or live in America, you know just how awful things can be. There�s constant suppression of any and all resistance by the military (like during that California non-violent anti-blood for oil demonstration a few weeks ago, when protesters and anyone else who happened to be near by were fired upon by police with rubber bullets because they were protesting). There�s suppression of the freedom of speech. Like when a US senator was forced to resign the day after he said that Israel was the cause of the problems in the Middle East. Or when Bill Mahr was booted off the air after saying it took guts for the terrorists to commit a kamikaze act on the World Trade Center towers. A party of a small group of wealthy individuals soon forms, backed by the government, that supports its fearless leader, like Republicans, and soon the whole population is forced to believe what ever the regime wants. Christianity, for instance. But who would think that something like this could actually take place in a hick-town school library?

Yes, the woman I call the Library Nazi has taken over. How she came to power requires some back story, however. Imagine if you will, a happy library. I can look at humor sites, post on the occasional message board, and talk quietly with my favorite web master. Life is grand, until one day, the nice librarian (with a degree!) decides that she�s going to take a more lucrative job somewhere else in the state. I can�t say I blame her. If you have a choice of anything else or the Doldrums, chances are you�ll pick anything else too. But you can�t say there�s nothing to do in the Doldrums. There�s a lot of nothing. (Can you get that reference?) But I digress. The only important fact is that she left. That left a big hole in the library staff, and it soon became apparent that one librarian was overworked, three librarians were overstaffed, but two were just right. So. Who�s going to fill that gap in the workforce? Volunteering kids? Some new librarian? Of course not. Kids don�t know anything, and a new librarian would cost money. Something our school has never really had, but wasn�t apparent until the budget cuts. On that note, I�d like to thank New York State politicians again for ruining the state�s children�s chances for a decent education. I knew there was a reason we elected you. OK. Must stay. On. Topic, Jim. What the school did was hire a permanent substitute teacher (I don�t know how that works at all.) to take the other librarian�s place.

There are a few things one should know about subs. First of all, as TV tells us, when there�s a substitute teacher in school, all of the kids cooperate and play a series of humorous jokes on the teacher while ignoring him or her, yelling, and throwing paper airplanes. Also, it�s very funny when a sub pronounces your friend�s (or the foreign exchange student�s) name wrong, despite the fact that the sub has never seen the name before, and it�s about sixty letters long. You come to learn subs by their appearances: "The Creepy Guy," "Shiny Shoes," the "Lady With an Indistinguishable, Unintelligible Accent," or the classic "Mean Guy." But what you never get to see on TV is this: once a sub gets a taste of power, he/she goes mad with it. He or she stops taking any crap and quickly imposes martial law on the students. Talking? Detention. Turning around in your seat? Detention. Bubble gum? Detention. Playing with a chain saw in class? Detention. Being the kid that subs seem to hate no matter what? Lots of detentions. Pretty soon if anyone even thinks of doing something wrong, they get suspended for school for "improper behavio(u if your British or Canadian)r." Usually, the teacher comes back in a few days, and the substitute is forced out of the building by three janitors armed with brooms and keys, while the teacher is screaming and clawing at the door. Sometimes we make bets beforehand to see if she/he will have foam in his or her mouth. I'm lying again.

But not here. Here, the Library Nazi runs our life, and she never goes away. Now, the total noise in the library can not exceed ten decibels� actually, she lowered it to two this morning. I'm not kidding, just exaggerating slightly. If she has to raise her voice more than twice, she starts sending people back to their study halls. She patrols the library constantly, eyeing every computer for even the slightest sign of unorthodox web surfing. That could mean anything from a text box (because a text box must mean you are instant messaging, something which is utterly wrong and a crime punishable by death, according to our student handbook) to a big wall paper that says "Down with Library Nazis!" Anyone caught looking at something she guesses the person is not supposed to be looking at is kicked off the computer. Oh, and talking very quietly? Not any more. Since it�s getting close to the end of the year, she�s decided that everyone should be doing something school related, or leave. I almost never have any school work to do, so I either have to be on a computer or pretending to be busy. Sometimes even that doesn�t work.

I feel like I�m living in a miniature 1984, except without a very smart or fast eye watching me. But it�s still quite violating. If there�s one thing I can�t stand, it's� well it�s ignorance. But if I could make a list, having people look over my shoulder is up there. It drives me crazy. The feeling of eyes on your back, most likely reading about how much you�re trashing them to the whole Internet� OK, the seven people who read this site. And if the Nazi ever shows up, "What are you writing? Is that that Nightfission site again? I don�t like you going there." I have to give her some half-assed excuse so I don�t get sent to the Ministry of Truth and brainwashed into never writing humor or communicating with the outside world again. Or I just write my updates in Word or Notepad. The dangers one goes through to write a web site from his or her school. Sheesh! Don't you seven viewers ever take web humor for granted. My sweat and blood goes into this site. Metaphorically of course. Getting sweat and blood on your keyboard is not good for the circuits inside.
posted by Slade at 10:09 PM

Of course, I just didn't want to post my update on the same post as my Tale. So, here it goes...

You know, I hate a lot of things. I hate politicians, corporate America, always lacking enough money to buy a dancing Christmas flamingo from Stupid.com. I hate whiny little kids, I hate the lack of difficulty in today�s video games, I hate Ian Maxtone-Graham. I hate peas, yak calls, and the Rubik's Cube. But most of all, I hate free time.

Now, I know, free time is supposed to be like, to compare the situation to the stereotypical male human, being on a tropical island surrounded by an endless supply of free beer and bikini clad women who will begin ravishing you at the slightest provocation. For me, its more like when you come into a class after being absent for a week, and are forced to take a test on a subject you know nothing about. Say... the effects of Hungarian monks on north Mid-Atlantic Native American tribes and their mating rituals. I'm sure that by now you're wondering "what's wrong with this guy?" or "Why the fuck doesn't this fucking fuck fucking like free time?" or maybe "Where's mah bitch at?" But most likely it's "Well, this sucks. I think I'll go back to surfing the 'net for [insert most attractive movie star to you] nudie photos!" However, assuming you still care about what I have to say, and you must if you're reading this, I'll tell you.

See, I have a boat-load of free time. I used to be happy, because I could read/play video games/bike around the sad excuse for a village I live near in my free time. That was before I decided I was actually going to stop thinking about doing things and actually do them. As you may or may not know, I'm one of the top contenders for the "most lazy, useless, and procrastinating teen in the USA" awards. My parents thought it would be a good joke to sign me up. Ha ha. No, I'm lying, but if there were these awards, I'd give the other top contenders a run for their money. So my days usually consisted of me enjoying myself, killing some bad guys, escaping from reality, and realizing how wimpy I am at biking. I would occasionally think "man, I want to do [hobby]" Then, I actually got hobbies, and now my life is hell.


This is Google's interpretation of Hell

I now, besides such "nerdy" activities as computers and books, enjoy more hobbies that may appeal to more people. As you should be able to tell by now, I don't pretend to like things to get friends. That's what creepy desperate people do. I'm not creepy. And no, that's not my hand on your shoulder. You're reading this on a computer screen, dumbass. It just happens that I've picked these hobbies because I like to do them. Some of my new hobbies include drawing, skateboarding, playing the piano, and, newly, playing the guitar (I can play the C major scale already. Ha!). You'd think I'd be happy to have seven hours minus dinner after school to do just what I wanted, but I'm not. With all of these new things for me to do, I just can't decide what I want to do. Do I want to draw? Write some poems or songs? Play some piano? Write an update for my web site? Do a Contra Comic? Most of the time I can't decide, or I end up not wanting to do any of them. Then one of three things happens. I either a.) just pick one and make myself do it until I actually feel like it, 2.) flop down on the couch and think about how much TV sucks, or III.) go on a murderous rampage and destroy every object and being in my path. If it's a then I just do whatever, and sometimes I end up enjoying it, sometimes I resort to b or c. I hate b most of all, because despite being lazy, I also hate feeling unproductive. That means there�s this itch in the back of my brain when I'm not doing something that I consider productive that keeps getting larger and larger until it consumes all rational thought and I resort to c. Granted, what I consider productive could be eating, cleaning the earwax out of my ears, building a machine to contact life on another planet, or just hammering nails into a board, but most likely I wont want to do any of those things either.

Sometimes I get this zeal to do stuff and I end up doing all of them at once, or scheduling them in for a night. A few weeks ago, I had to schedule out my free time on a Friday night. First I went to skateboard, and then when it got too dark to do that I wrote an update to my site. Then I played some video games, and eventually went online. I planned all of this out ahead of time. Time management. Do you know how stressful it is having to plan out your whole night like that? I'm not a schedule type guy. It drives me crazy doing it, but it was the only way I could do everything I wanted to. At this very moment, I'm planning on drawing in my sketchbook after I finish this (I have to do some assignments in it that the teacher selects, and it's rapidly approaching the end of my school year, and I'm less than halfway through them, and they were assigned at the beginning of the year.), then I have to practice the piano because my lesson is on Friday and I haven't touched it since last Friday, and then I have to watch the Diary of Ellen Rimbauer on ABC at 9PM. I'm also itching to skateboard, do a Contra Comic, progress a bit in the guitar, and write the second half of my short story for Heccubus' site, but I don't think I'll have enough time tonight.

You know, now that I think about it, all of those crazy over-achievers in school never have enough free time. They are always having their music lessons, and their sixty page theses to write, and their homework to do, and they are all crazy over-stressed people whom I consider fools. But am I a hypocrite now? Have I, to paraphrase 1800's humor writer Ambrose Bierce "secured the position of seeming to be what I despise" by hating people who are over stressed because they choose to do too many things? I hate hypocrites, but I don't hate myself. Does that make me more of one? I remember thinking "I can't stand not having lots of free time", but now my tune has changed. There was a chord change or [insert other metaphorical music reference here]. I'm now an over stressed lazy guy with lots of free time, lots of things to do, but without wanting or being able to decide to do any of them. It's a very queer conundrum. And with this out of the way, I now have to decide what to do next. C is looking quite promising at the moment.

Pretty soon I think I'm going to go back to just playing video games. Having fun is too much work.

In the site news, I'll hopefully get started on a new Contra Comic which will shed some light on your confused minds. Unless you're not confused, of course. I'm also going to finish writing my story and start fixing my L&E thing soon, too. That will mean web traffic. Another thing! Christopher Livingston, author of the bestest humor web site ever (Not my Desk) is still alive! Except, he's not doing Not my Desk any more. He's going to start a blog about trying new things instead of write a humor site. Damn. I know, I almost put my noose away when I heard he was alive too. Oh well. Just don't break your fans when you kill yourselves. It's bad home ownership. Of course, if you haven't ever read Not my Desk, you'd be a complete moron. And you wouldn't understand how the simple act of not working on a web site would cause thousands to commit mass suicide. So elighten yourself.

Also, since I wrote this earlier, I've since drawn ET and a guy in a tuxedo in my sketchbook. I played some piano and guitar, but my dad is watching 24 with Keefer "I was a jerk in Stand by Me" Sutherland. And no, I don't know how to spell his name. And at any rate, it's time to check my e-mail. Go away now.
posted by Slade at 9:36 PM

Well, I was very pressed for time in writing my Bard's Tale yesterday because all of the computers were taken up. I was on one of them, but got chased off so some jerk could use a color printer. Just my luck my favorite computer is hooked up to a printer that makes the painting masters look fast. Oh yeah. You have a 2x2 picture of a penguin, it might be done at the end of the day, if theres not alot of variation. That kind of slow. Anywho, here it is: HERE. You can see that it starts getting condensed at the end. So... that's it. Nothing else for now.
posted by Slade at 9:22 PM

Well, I've started learning guitar, and it's as confusing as all hell. I'm going to write a Bard's Tale later. I can't now because the Nazi librarian is watching and she thinks that every text box is an attempt to communicate with the outside world (i.e. some sort of instant messaging.) See, we're not allowed to do that because... I have no fucking clue. It's just some stupid-ass policy our school has. Yeah, I've already stated this, I know. Hmm, I have a few ideas for some updates, gotta do a new Contra Comic, and finish my poem. Fun for all involved.
posted by Slade at 9:11 AM

I've written one and a half more poems, but I don't like the one, and I'm not done with the other. Don't worry, though. I will be, soon. Also, I'm learning guitar in the morning. Woo!
posted by Slade at 12:14 AM