So, like... Blog

Well, my friendly neighborhood webmaster strolled over for the night yesterday. We played some videogames, then slept in a tent after he beat me in chess. Bastard! I've been thinking, and I may just try to make an RPG! If I can get my non-craptastic soundcard to work, then I will. See, we have an on-board soundcard that "am the shit" as my friend Jacob is fond of saying. I bought a wonderful Sound Blaster live 5.1 card last year, spending sixty of my hard earned (ok, I horded my allowance for a while) greenbacks to get it so I could actually hear what's going on in anything that requires more than .000001mb of graphics power. But of course, since this is my computer, the sound card decided that it was going to conflict with our zip drive and scanner, and eventually my dad took it out. We're going to try to fuck with it tomorrow to make it work. Now, why do I need a good soundcard to make my RPG? Well, it uses BAM music, which is a DOS synthesized thingus, and this shitty sound card lacks an FM chip, something one needs to play DOS FM sounds. SB Live has a very nice FM chip in it. I can't just guess how my music is going to sound, can I?

Anywho, I was hoping to play some StarCraft tonight, but my lazy ass friend gave me a "brb" and has been gone for the past hour. It means "Be Right Back." That normally implies a relatively brief time to be gone. Like ten minutes tops. If he doesn't get back I'm going to get started on Contra Comic 11 (hurrah)! That is all.

posted by Slade at 10:53 PM

See? I told you I was going to update! And you thought I was going to leave you hanging for the next three days, didn't you? Yeah. I can see it in your eyes. How? I have a secret camera in your monitor that is ever vigilent. However, I do turn them off for one minute for every dollar you donate to this site. I know you can't donate to this site. That's why this is such a great scam. Yeah, that sucked. Just ignore it.

So, I was talking to my favorite webmaster this morning in study hall, where he told me a very strange story. It involves those "sounds of [climate zone here]" CDs.

First off, let me tell you a little bit about those sounds of... CDs. They consist of about an hour of constant ambiance of what ever climate it happens to be. So with Sounds of the Rainforest, you hear, get this, rain. How ironic. So along with the constant deluge, you hear some thunder, because it always thunders when it rains in the rainforest, birds, because they always make bird calls in the rainforest, even when it's raining, and the occasional sound of natives chasing and eventually killing and eating a tourist. In case you're wondering, this is what it sounds like.

[Whistling.
Tourist: My, what a wonderful, beautiful sounding rainforest this is. I should go on nature hikes and get lost here more often! Say... what is that strange noise?
Sound of natives chanting.
T: Wow! Real live natives! And they are dancing around a fire! I think I'll join them!
Quiet thunk.
T: Huh? Was that a blow dart?
Chanting escalates and begins to sound agitated.
T: Uh oh.
Sound of underbrush being pushed aside haphazardly
T: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Help! Help! Hey, recording guy! Get rid of these guys! Heeeeeeelp!

Multiple quiet thunks in a volley. Thud of heavy object falling to ground. Sound of natives devouring flesh.]

Of course, that's not the only thing. There's the sounds of the hump back whales, which sounds like a bunch of guys going "Dooooooooooooooooo!" over and over in different pitches in front of a microphone. Man, if only I was the guy to get to record those things. I could make millions for an hour's worth of "dooooooo"s. There's the sounds of loons, which I think is really designed to make sure kids don't get out of their beds while their parents are having sex. See, those loons sound quite scary. I mean, according to my biology teacher, they are quite an old species, and like all of the teethless grinning people at the nursing home, old things are scary when you're young. And then they sound like a werewolf about to eat a six year old whole in the first place. Here's how the conversation would go:

Father: Boy, I'm quite randy tonight, Mother. Are you as sexually aroused as I am, or will my hand be getting all of the attention tonight?

Mother: Oh, Father, you are so very clever. I'd love to jump in the sack and make passionate love to you, but our children are still up, and we wouldn't want them to hear us and come see what was the matter, would we?

Father: Alas, I see your point, Mother. I guess I will be left without a token of our love for eachother. Damn those infernal children. Why did we ever have them?

Mother: Because we live in a state/country where abortion is illegal, Father. But don't fret, I just rememberd I picked up a nice new CD today called Sounds of the Loons. It's sure to keep the kids hidden under their covers until long after we're finished and asleep!

Mother and Father place the CD in their loud stero system and immediatly tear their clothes off in a ravenous frenzy.

CUT to children's bedroom.

Boy 1: I am scared, Boy 2. It sounds like there are ravenous werewolves outside our door. What shall we do?

Boy 2: If we call for our parents, the werewolves will eat us. We must hide under our covers until daylight, Boy 1.

Boy 1: Agreed.

Both hide under covers.

But that's not half of it. I've often thought that I could make millions producing Sounds of the Airport, or Sounds of the Aquarium. I've even sent in imaginary letters and demo tapes, only to be turned down. But get this. Today, my web master told me that his parents listen to one of these CDs called. Here it comes. Sounds of the Subway. I'm not kidding here, people. And in between fits of laughter while listening to it, he can clearly hear the word "tennis," both sylibles accented. I wish I could find a link to order it online, but Google, Yahoo, and Amazon have failed me. But lets wonder for a moment, why someone would just say "Tennis." in the middle of a subway station. I feel that maybe these people were playing a variation of the "panties" game while waiting for their train. Here is a transcript of what may have happened. I'm big on these today, aren't I?

John: Ok, I'm really bored. Let's play the don't say "tennis" game!
Bob: What's that?
John: Well, we have to try to make the other person say the word "tennis" in conversation, and the one who loses gets eaten.
Bob: That sounds like great fun!
John: Ok, I'll go first. So I was eating three ties in Tripoli while playing-
Bob: Ten- hopscotch, when I found a trigantic triceretops who was eating a-
John: tournaqet made for ten tiny-
Bob: T- t- trinkets while playing a nice round of -
John: Tenni- err... water polo. I felt quite bad that the score was love in this great game of-
Bob: Ok, now you're not making any sense. Lets keep on the subject of Tennis. Shit.
John: Sorry Bob. The rules say I have to eat you now, but I think if you run around naked yelling I lost the "tennis" game in your office today, I won't eat you.
Bob: You know, I don't really have to obey the rules. I think I'll just ignore you today.
John: Shut up. I won, damn it. I won.
Bob: Get over yourself.

It could have been a person that has the sports version of Tourettes Syndrome. Someone who randomly yells "Baseball!" "North American football!" "Everybody else's football!" "Rugby Hopscotch!" "Tennis!", and he happened to be walking along the subway during the recording, but that's not any fun. My web master thinks that someone heard a Sounds of the Subway where a guy said tennis loudly and for no reason, and then made his own version with the same thing, thereby resulting in a space-time paradox and the eventual implosion of the entire multi-verse. I think that he's crazy, but in a kind and loveable way. Not in a "I'm going to stick you in the torture box again, Slade!" kind of way.

posted by Slade at 10:01 PM