So, like... Blog

The rest of this week is going to be a Hate Week. Not the kind where you sit at a TV and watch a skewed version of your country's public enemy number one in order to instill anger in yourselves so you won't think about the fact that you can't even move the way you want to without being taken from your home in the middle of the night and reconditioned into a responsible zombie of society. No, this week I'm going to straight out complain about stuff I really hate and why.

So, today I was all geared up to start bitching about bands that suck, but are really popular. I mean like those pop-rock bands, "n�" metal, etc. And then I sat down on my couch to see what was on TV. And it just so happened that it was on the local Fox station. Before I could run screaming from the room and wash my eyes out with soap, I knew that this was a sign. If light had shone through the windows at me and the TV while a heavenly chorus played I wouldn't have been surprised. Actually, if it wasn't rainy with a chance of wet today, that might have happened, as the position of the windows in the living room might set it up correctly. At any rate, I realized that I must save awful bands for another day and tell you about some of the worst television in the world.

While I was in there, before the muscle spasms began, a show called "Stupid Behavior Caught on Tape" was on. Think of it as America's Funniest Videos with ten times the bone fractures. In the previews (the previews, mind you!), there was a guy who was finishing up some sort of hip hop routine. He went to do a back flip off of one of the other dancer's hands and missed. He only managed to turn around enough to land directly on his back. Then they played some sort of crunching sound effect, presumably to lighten up the experience. Then, there was a guy who was doing squat dumbbell exercize things, and he went down to far. He dropped his dumbbell behind him and fell over. The dumbbell proceeded to knock the large wooden full size dresser behind him off balance, and it promptly fell on him. And that's not all! There was an alligator wrestler who stuck his head into a lizard's mouth, and it clamped down on his head. And that's not the worst of it. In order to make a good show, he had to pull the alligator out of the pool it was in by the tail while it was squirming and clawing in an attempt to get away from its cruel master. The man then first struck the alligator on the mouth with his fist, and then a ten foot pole so it would snap at him. Shouldn't the animal rights activists be doing something about this? People get arrested if they hit their dogs so they will snap at them, but people pay to watch someone abuse an alligator as entertainment? Just because it can grow 40 sets of carnivorous teeth doesn't mean that its okay to harm the thing. If I went out and beat up Martha Stewart or George W. Bush to a bloody pulp with an aluminum baseball bat, the authorities would be on me faster than I could yell "Rodney King!" Okay, some people would cheer me on, but none of those would be carrying night sticks and oinking.

After that is a talent show called 30 Seconds to Fame. I realize that a number should be written out if it is the first part of a title or first word of a sentence, but that's how it's displayed on the screen. In case you've been safely hiding from the utter shite on television lately, let me first envy you, then stab you in a jealous rage, and then explain this show. People have thirty seconds of air time to entertain a studio audience. During that time they can be booed off stage, cheered on, or, well, there aren't any other crowd emotions than that. Of course, the audience has about the worst taste in talent. Here's a list of things it likes and doesn't.

What the audience likes:

- Acrobats. Even if they are old enough to mistaken for escapees from the Egyptian exhibit in the museum.

- Anything with fire. Even if it's just on a guy's tap shoes/head/fingers/spleen while he puts spoons on his nose.

- Belly dancing, regardless of who's doing it. Tonight, there was a woman who had more rolls than a pastry truck. When she sits outside, people in the next neighborhood over complain that she's blotting out the sun. She has more Chins than a Chinese phone book. She could literally fit three normal sized arms in the skin that sagged from her own. You could write every fat joke ever invented, the unabridged version of Stephen King's The Stand, and all of the Old Testament with plenty of room to fit your grocery list on the skin that fell in layers from her body. You may think I'm exaggerating, and to that I respond, "I wish I were."

- Hip-Hoppers. Even if hey are out of sync in their hip-hop steps, and the song sucks, and they can't rap.

- Pop singers. See above, change rap to "sing or dance."

- Anyone who sings Aretha Franklin. Flat, sharp, or just plain in the wrong key, and everyone will be on their feet clapping out of time to the music.

What the audience dislikes:

- Anything involving accordions. Even if it was Weird Al, or someone playing Bach or Beethoven. They just don't know keyboard talent when they see it.

- Anything involving ukuleles. Jimmy Hendrix could be playing it and they'd still boo him off stage.

- Any humorous magic act. They like the ones where the guy is in a suit and makes doves appear out of his hands, but give him a novelty mustache and he won't last ten seconds, regardless of the fact that he makes the whole audience disappear while balancing a chair on his chin and impaling himself with a real katana.

- Comedians. That goes for prop comics, stand-up comics, mimes, etc. Personally, I don't blame them, as most of the acts suck, but some of the prop comics were pretty good.

- Necromancy. Especially sharks. You'd think that reanimating a dead aquatic life form and having it survive on land would be something cheered for, despite the smell, but not by these ingrates.

After having witnessed this, I must ask myself, and everyone I come in contact with regularly "What the Hell?" I'm almost too disgusted for words. What neandrathalic, low life, inbred, malformed person would consider this entertaining? Well, the same people who watch Jerry Springer for something other than "What the fucking hell is wrong with the world?" value. Seriously. People say that the media reflects society, so what does that say about the world we live in? Well, it says that it's filled with people who find entertainment and sheer delight in the pain and suffering of others, and that glitzyness is valued over real talent. Pretty soon, Roseanne Arnold and Anna Nicole Smith are going to have their own 24 hour lesbian channel starring themselves with only sequins on. Comedies will be made using old starving child footage with a laugh track and commentary added in. "Okay, watch the child at the far left [circle is added around subject] as he scratches his head. He has lice!" [laugh track plays] people will begin to move up in the corporate world by lighting their pants on fire instead of being stupid. Someone please kill me before I kill someone else. I don't know how much longer I can stand the idiocy.

posted by Slade at 10:17 PM

[ed. note � I wrote most of this yesterday, but as I had no time to finish it because my mom and I had to unplug the septic system, and then I had to write an art essay, I finished it today.]

At this moment in time, I am currently at this very second simultaneously writing this sentence and carrying around a banana in my pocket. Why, do you ask? Well, I feel that my seven constant readers are probably feeling that I should update more frequently, and as such, that�s what I�m doing. Oh, the banana. Right. Well, every day for lunch I eat whatever it is I eat for lunch (baby brains, fried grease served with vomit, or ketchup on cardboard), and a banana. Bananas are the official shiznit of my web page. But why not oranges, though, since they are my favorite food? While orange may be the best color and tastiest food this side of Xl�eeblj�ax, bananas are much easier to peel and eat, as they grow able to be peeled. They aren�t juicy, so your fingers don�t get sticky, and best of all, people can slip on the peels, causing loads of laughs. Today I went to get a banana from the fruit section of the lunch line, and they were all green. I was dismayed that I wouldn�t get my daily allowance of potassium, but I took a banana anyway, figuring it would ripen up and I could eat it at home. So, I stuck it in the pocket of my pants and walked around like that for the rest of the day. I was really hoping someone would notice and ask that* question, so I could take out my banana and answer "Yes indeed, it is a banana in my pocket." But no one did, and I wasn�t about to run around telling everyone I saw in the hallways that I had a banana in my pocket. That�s not my style. I prefer subtle humor. For example, if I were to dye my hair blue and turn it into a beehive a la Marge Simpson, and go to school like that, I wouldn�t say anything about my hair unless asked. Some people would be inclined to say "Like my hair?" at every opportunity, but not me. So that�s all for now, as my study hall is rapidly drawing to a close. Later: what I really wanted to talk about today. Pants!

* That question, in case you�re wondering, is "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" Implying that the bulge in ones pocket looks suspiciously like a certain organ. Yeah.

[Oh, that means later tonight. About the pants.]

[Actually, I didn't have time to write it tonight because I was busy with school work, so pants tomorrow. Sorry. Don't worry, though; school is almost over for another year. That means lots of updates, assuming I don't just goof off outside or something.]

posted by Slade at 10:24 PM