I think I may be broken. No, all of my appendages still seem to be in the correct places. Well, I can't seem to find my right thumb, but that happens all the time. Don't worry, it will turn up in my windpipe, or my ear some day soon. I don't seem to have gone crazy yet, i.e. I haven't begun devouring the Jehova's Witnesses, despite my deep urge to do so. But that would probably be a commendable act of selflessness in society. I haven't found myself attacking mailboxes, or accusing my table of cheating at cards. How I managed to deal it five aces I'll never understand... Although I do find myself wandering completely off topic whenever I'm trying to write something for my website.

Like when I'm trying to write something meaningful and insightful about human nature and somehow end up talking about Brussels sprouts and their negative effects on society. Speaking of which, have you ever eaten Brussels sprouts? They happen to be one of the worst things I've ever put within seven feet (That's 2.13 meters... Excuse me, metres, for you non Average American Joes out there.) of the beginning of my digestive tract, commonly known as the blow hole. Mouth. Not blow hole, because that would be quite silly. We are all people here. Not whales. As I was saying, Brussels sprouts taste remarkably like what I imagine week old elephant feces tastes like. Not that I have nothing better to do then try to conjure the taste of week old excrement in my brain, of course. Have you ever tried to figure out what makes them taste so terrible that ones tongue threatens to leave the safety of the oral cavity to escape it's vile tendrils? Sure, some people, who call themselves "scientists," or "tasteologists," the branch of science devoted to how the tongue works, which I just fabricated at this moment, would say it's "Clearly the direct result of the effect that certain chemicals secreted by the Brussels sprout, determined at its conception by the phenotype of its DNA, have on the taste receptors contained in the chief muscle of the oral cavity, and how those receptors effect the brain, and its resulting release of chemicals." Sure. I'll believe you, Mr. Scientist, when people fly! Aren't you also of the group that said that the world was flat? And as we all know, it's an oblate spheroid.

The real reason of the crappyness of Brussels sprouts in hinted at in the name. Just look at it. Remarkably similar to "Brussels' sprouts," isn't it? Sure, you could assume some man named Brussel cross-bred the plants with some other sort of plant, but isn't that just a little too obvious? This is clearly the work of the city of Brussels, the capital of Belgium.

Belgium, home of waffles & Brussels sprouts.

Yes, that's correct, the people from Brussels are trying to feed the world mind altering drugs via Brussel sprouts. Much like a certain supervillan's plan to sell marijuana to the populous, the people of Brussels are clearly involved in a plot to conquer the world. It's really quite ingenious. Well, not quite. There is the whole problem of Brussels' Sprouts already tasting like shit without nasty hallucinogenic addatives. You can't really get the world to eat your product if it sucks goat testicles.

Really, would you rather eat something that makes watching FOX appetizing, or this?

Err, wrong picture. Let me try that again...


The choice is obvious.

C'mon people, get with the program. Start a candy company and slip some nicotine and your drug in it. Then they will be addicted, and wasted. No one wants to eat that, and putting foul tasting chemicals in there just makes it worse. Wait until the whole world is on one giant food induced hallucinogenic drug trip, and just take it over. While they think you are Jesus reincarnated as a giraffe with a pool table for a head, simply kill the higher-ups and plant your own people in there. Believe me, if you replaced George Bush with a mentally retarded chimpanzee, no one would know the difference. Just have your replacement say "God bless America" in that slight Texan accent, occasionally threaten to attack any country that bad mouths him, and give a few "Hyuck!" and "Dang!"s in there and he'll do fine.

Speaking of Texans, did you know that the Texans of the city have virtually no accent? The accents of Virginia are more pronounced, and even those are difficult to detect. So the next time you're making fun of the standard southern accent, remember that most of the people in Texas live in the city. (Source: my imagination.) It's the very, very, rural southerners that have pronounced accents. Here's a chart that graphically depicts that.

Hey maw, whys ain't I married my sister yet? 'Cause she ain't your sister, stupid!

Oh, right. I'm broken. No matter how hard I try, everything I've been writing lately has been coming out like one of the shittier skits Conan O'Brian writes. Have you seen that guy? I think he has ten monkeys with ten typewriters in the back of his studio that fling poo at one another and write his scripts for him. Maybe people are just too embarrassed to tell him, like in the King's New Clothes. Well, I'm not. I'd go up to him and say "Damn, man! You lucky fuck! I wish I could get a job on TV without any talent." For example, he makes out with the ties on his suits and then eats his cue cards. That's his humor. Sure, any meat head can ingest things not normally made for eating. Our junior varsity football team does it all the time. You're not doing anything creative, here, bub. Like this one time, he had a bit where there was a can of Spam, the processed meat product, using a computer. It received a lot of junkmail, similar to my Hotmail account. Get it yet? They call junk mail spam, now a days. Oh, the wit! And then another Spam can comes up to it, and the first can says "I hate Spam!" and it shoots first the computer monitor, and then its fellow canned product. Am I the only one who is going for my wrists with a razor in mental anguish and confusion here?

You know, back in the olden times, spam was just when some numbfuck immature ten year old who managed to get a hold of the URL of a message board or chat room, and just typed the same thing over and over and over and over, et. al. until the users that possessed a cerebellum chased him away. Now, it's anything that's annoying and repetitive. Like this: "Hey, those Republicans are spammers, always being counterproductive with their non-stop 'We hate all change, especially if it's a movement toward equality, or an attack at the excellent integrity of America's Big Business. For my next piece of legislation, I vote for a 200% pay cut for the workers in the steel industry, and a 500% increase in salary for anyone who makes over 80,000$ a year. Oh, and lets burn down the homeless shelters too.'" They make me so angry, I want to go eat a peanut butter sandwich and watch The Animatrix again.
posted by Slade at 9:21 PM