So, like... Blog

[This is an update I found while cleaning out my hard drive. I had started it many moons ago, but for some reason or other, never finished it. Possibly because I thought it sucked. I completed it a few days ago, and now here it is, for all of you to become disgusted at me for it. - Slade]

I've been wracking my brain lately to come up with ideas for writing another piece for this haggard, meager, 8 reader site. Ok, I've actually been playing video games in my room, or reading, but lets pretend that I've been pondering my neurons for content.

The chief trouble of the world today is not video games, not the constant propaganda being force-fed into our willing brains via television, not the glorification of death or of watching a child hit a man in his testicles, not religion becoming less of a guideline for society and more a reason to brainwash/blow up "unbelievers," not greedy corporations trying to fill the shoes of Big Brother or George Bush, not the decay of the English language spured by the Internet. Those are all of some import, but the most profound malady of society is this:

The Walt Disney Corporation. *Evil melodramatic music*

Yes, let me begin with a story. The time is 1932, and corruption runs rampant as thousands of people realize the government doesn't give a shit about them as long as it has its cash and its military. Crime boss Big Louie has just succeeded in running long time private eye Sam Wilson out of town...

Wait, that's something else. Let me try again.

The year is 19xx. Realizing that his single favorite character, Steamboat Willie, will soon reach the end of a mouse's relatively short life span, newly made millionare Walt Disney invests nearly all of his fortune on top secret scientific anti-aging serum, the other portion having been used to fuel his fire place, and fill a room for the man to bathe in. In a sudden turn of events, Steamboat Willie is attacked by a small band of angry young boys while traveling through Missouri, and neither his cheerful demeanor nor his sense of courage can defend him from an inevitable extermination. The band leaves the initials "TS & HF" written in Willie's own blood, and then proceeds to terrorize the state with near constant raids on school picnics and small stage coaches.

Left without his prized mascot, Disney is at a loss. His research is progressing rapidly, but has not yet come to full fruition, and a Steamboat Willie cartoon without it's star just isn't working. Suddenly, an idea strikes him as quickly as the bad hotdog he had eaten minutes before. He races to the bathroom and then the morgue. He abducts Willie's cold remains and dashes back to the lab. Inside, after a round of strip poker with a group of eskimos, he presents the corpse to his scientists, who quickly test their experimental serum on the corpse. At first, it is seen as a failure, but then suddenly, the form moves. Willie is alive, or rather undead.

Mickey Mouse is born. He quickly uses his knowlege gained from the other side to syphon all ownership of the company to himself, and promptly dispatches Disney, freezing him until Mickey can transfer his own consiousness into the man's body. He does undercover hiring, finding Minnie in a strip club in Vegas, and Goofy living in a pile of his own filth, and, in a world still reeling from the Great Depression, where everyone is desperate for a way to remind themselves of happier times, the trio become instant stars. Soon, Mickey is found everywhere around the world, his unliving hands, hidden by white gloves, reaching into the lives, pockets, and minds of millions. His goal of world domination, followed by the extermination of all felines, soon blooms into the attempted destruction of the entire predator population in the world. His anti-predator propaganda is only multiplied as other cartoons such as "Tom & Jerry" appear in response. He begins corrupting young children as his Mickey Mouse Club debuts, and then hires an enormous scientist think tank code named "The Mississippi Project" in an attempt to create a machine that will swap the bodies and minds of two individuals hooked up to the machine. The years pass and the people become sympathetic to the hunted, and cat ownership drops to an all time low.

At long last, the Ancient Lich Mouse's even plans are completed. He readys the machine to transfer his mind into his popsicle creator's body. But suddenly Walt Disney unexpectedly thaws during preperations. He is weak, but struggles with the Mouse for dominance. However, the years have not been kind to the undead villan, and Disney is strong enough to defeat the now seriously decayed mouse before collapsing lifeless on the floor next to the infernal machine. Mickey's cult like followers quickly manage to transfer the mouse into a new mouse body, but he is still confounded by the lack of a human host. Only his creator or someone with a unique quality known only as Factor "E" could make him human.

Yes, lock your doors, board up your windows, and sit in your chairs facing your chimneys gibbering to yourselves madly while caressing your shotguns, because Mickey is searching for that host; and some day you may suddenly be snatched out of your bed in the middle of the night by hooded figures and taken to a secret laboratory where the last words you will hear are a high pitched "Gee whiz!"
[END ARTICLE]

Meh, I thought parts were kind of funny... I just need to get rid of this thing so it doesn't start rotting in my hard drive. If you don't think it's funny, too fucking bad. Monday will be some more comics. Hurrah for all parties involved.

posted by Slade at 10:40 PM