So, like... Blog

So I've been thinking again. Not intentionally, mind you! It just happens autonomously while I'm trying to settle my brain for a long night's nap. Which it's been having a hard time adjusting to the damned time change. Stupid daylight savings time. I don't care if it gets dark at 8 or 9PM, time is arbitrary and meaningless!

At any rate, these are dark times, what with the sensationally biased news, boobs in the White House, on television, and appearing on once professional record labels, people running around killing civilians to win a war-what-ain't-a-war in a foreign country. But do not fret, dear reader, for I've had a panel of sixty experts hideously grafted together in the name of humanity to form Frankenstat, a horrific, sixty brained, eight feet tall literally a so-called "think tank." Well, not so much a tank, since they don't have bullet proof reinforced steal armor, or 60mm cannons that fire tank shells. Or all terrain treads. But I digress. This super-human golem of intelligence deliberated for months on end to come up with the solution to humanity's ills. The silver lining of the cloud, the paparazzi panty lining showing in a celebrity shot. And they ate an enormous amount of chicken wings and marshmallows. But not at the same time, because sixty stomachs all vomiting at once would really put the janitor into overtime, and we'd already used our extra budget on the whole sewing sixty people together thing.¹

At any rate, what they came up with was this: We don't have enough new revolutionary inventions. The original dark ages (600-900AD) were eliminated by the end of serf-dom. The renaissance was launched following the invention of the printing press. What would rescue this year two-thousand-and-four in the common era from utter damnation? An extra long Slinkey? A Second Coming?² A renewed interest in polka music and square dancing? Solidification of subatomic theory and advances in ionic propulsion? Enough with these damned rhetoric questions, and let's get right to the results!

The Oreo-Dunking Machine³
This machine will contain the latest state of the art chemical analyzers that will analyze the chemicals (what a surprise!) inherent in each individual Oreo cookie. The machine tests the consistency, flavor in parts per million, and capability of complete structural destabalization to calculate the precise time one must hold their cookie in milk to achieve perfection. The machine, accepting human fallibility to measure time accuracy in increments small than one second, will automatically submerge the sandwich cookie in milk for the correct amount of time. And of course, since every person's preference is different, there will be an acclimation period, were the machine analyzes the enzymes and hormones in its user's blood after eating the cookie to ascertain exactly what the correct consistency really is, and correct itself next time.

Ultra-Shrink Wrap
You know how those damned CDs you buy (assuming you aren't some anti-capitalist free-loading pig who just downloads music off of the Internet for free) are always covered in that annoying shrinkwrap? The kind that takes thirty minutes to open even with a sharp knife? Well, why not wrap everything in an even stronger version of the substance? Think about it. You don't want someone to steal your child, so you run them through your patented Shrink-O-Matic^TM before putting them in their stroller. No one will want to try to steal someone wrapped in that. Thieves are looking for quick, easy loot, and spending an hour trying to remove plastic wrap from a child before randsoming them off or selling them to a slave labor camp in Los Chicos Enfermas, Baja California isn't an easy job. Of course, the technology could also be used to pacify and easily store criminals. Squirming, eating, and breathing will be out of the question, allowing the United States to cut back on its prison based economy. But don't worry, those lost jobs will be created in the form of shrink wrapping factory workers, so the economy won't go to Hell.

Flying Floating Cars
We were promised flying cars in the 50s, and although we were also promised another man on the moon, almost one of two shouldn't be too hard. My scientists have come up with a revolutionary new design to our nation's infrastructure. These floating cars will operate on generators powered by the sun (and ultraviolet lamps powered by the generators themselves when the sun isn't shining (how's that for a circular system?)), and use solenoid technology to create an enormous electromagnet on the underside of a train shaped like a bullet. This magnet's pole will be rotated so it's the opposite charge of the magnetic rail track that will replace roads, and enormously reduce friction. With only wind resistance to worry about, these new vehicles will be able to all fly faster than the speed of sound with a much smaller production cost than that of a supersonic jet. Propulsion would also be some sort of combustion... thingy... also powered by the generator. Ok, so they didn't quite think this one through...

Miracle Hair (In commercial form.)⁴
[Scene of bald man being ridiculed for lack of follicle growth.]
Announcer: Are you tired of not having any hair?
[Man is beat up, stuck with needles, and left for dead on the side of the road with large freshly cut kidney scar.]
Then try our new Miracle Hair!
[Cut to scene of same man with long flowing mullet. He smiles, dazzling all ladies in the room, who fawn over his Fabio-esqe physique. All the men leave the room disgruntled and meet outside to jump the man as he leaves the establishment. ]
Announcer: Yes, folks, it's true. Science has finally discovered a way to grow you new hair! It works like this...
[Cut to cheaply rendered CG image of cross section of hair follicle.]
Announcer: Our patented new formula forcibly implants Human Hair Growth Hormone (HHGH) into the farthest recesses of your dilapidated scalp. It genetically stimulates and enhances your already existing hair follicles to de-inhibit cell reproduction in your head. Within hours, you will notice thick, flowing hair emerging from the applicated area. Just take a look at this.
[Cut to woman with half of her head bald, the other half with small clumps of hair sprouting up splochily from her scalp.]
Announcer: See how hair shoots out of the head in only the places we've applicated? And that's not all! Call in the next two seconds to receive a free permanent hair dye as a special thank you. Using the same deeply penetrating technology as our Miracle Hair, this product works tirelessly to alter he chemical formula of your follicle to create a totally different color.
[Cut to address, name, pricing info, etc.]
Announcer (Very fast): Call and order today! Sorry, no CODs. Also, this company is not responsible for loss of hair, genitals, or nerve damage as the result of using the aforementioned product or products. Warning, product is flammable and may cause birth defects or cancer in humans and animals under the age of 110. People and animals over the age of 110 have not yet been tested, so please use discression when trying this product. Again, we are not responsible for loss of sleep, loss of heart beat, or giant rabid gerbils attacking your home.
[~Fin~]

So there you have it. Yep, that's it for today. I know I said I'd do a comic today, but I can't friggin' remember what it was going to be about. Hopefully I'll have a low-res comic or two for you tomorrow. Good day.

^{1 Actually, part of this paragraph is a lie. We really only had fifty-eight experts. One guy had a heart attack the week before and was recovering in a hospital. The other missing person was a woman whom cheated on her EAT (Expert Aptitude Test) to qualify for the program. Also, we actually didn't have enough money to afford a janitor at all, so vomiting was completely out of the question. Although I must apologize about the state of room 12B in Stanford Apartments for the mess you will have to wade through to find the bathroom.

2 This option was explored, but eventually trashed due to Armageddon following so soon after.

3 I'd like to take the time to thank Nabisco for developing such an excellent snack food.

4 I'm not sure, but there might be a real product called Miracle Hair. This article was in fun, and in no way was meant to bash the real product Miracle Hair, if indeed it exists. *dodges a potential bullet*}

posted by Slade at 5:05 PM