Here it is as promised: the conclusion to this escapade. Huttah!


By Fission

*headline and article from page A1 and A3 in the West Atlantic Harold*
Long Time Doctor is Bad Medicine?
"On Saturday, July 3rd, Doctor Slade gave the following testimony: 'All right! I admit it. I've been killing patients on accident. I can't help it, I just get distracted, that's all. I mean, you can't blame a guy if he kills someone on accident, right? Uh... Look over there, while I steal my secret pile of gold from the basement and escape to a private island in the Pacific ocean with my secretary!'

The FBI and members of the local SWAT team have been dispatched to several private islands. Slade's office was found empty today, except for stationary, records, and a couple pair of panties that smelled of baked ham. See page A3 'Cybernetic goats..."

"Continued from page A1 - Cybernetic goats have been armed with grenade launchers and turned loose in the streets of Central Manhattan in preparation for the unlikely event that Dr. Slade will return. The cybernetic goats conveniently double as a form of population control; As of 2:00am today, the score is Goats: 28,912 - Americans: 1. 9 goats remain. Updated tolls will be included in tomorrow’s edition of the West Atlantic Harold. The FBI states that the national guard doesn't really do anything, and that they will call them in to 'manually disable' the remaining goats if they grow artificially intelligent enough to be able to vote against Bush and salary increases for Congress."


By Slade

*Transcript from Daily Star: The Tabloid In Your Face*

Should we Stop Caring for our Teeth? by Stanlee Lee Lee

The tooth fairy was found alive and well today, residing in West Atlantic Medical Hospital in the form of a large African Male.

Recent speculations had hinted that the Tooth Fairy had in fact retired and moved to Eastern Europe to spend time with his cousins, a two headed Elvis Clone from Mars and the infamous Bat Boy. As it turns out, these rumors were false and started by none other than the Tooth Fairy himself to test the world to see if it was ready to stop being paid for its teeth. As the recent events at West Atlantic Medical Hospital (See Page J29, Voodoo Priestess Predicts West Atlantic Sock Murders) have shown, the world is, quite frankly, completely screwed without him. However, after his long awaited and much needed vacation, the Tooth Fairy is back on his feet, delivering money in exchange for teeth once again to the boys, girls, and disturbing number of psychotic patients in West Atlantic Medical Hospital.

Recent complaints of quarters not being enough hard currency for hard-pulled teeth due to inflation had the Fairy rethinking his strategies during his voluntary and pleasant stay at West Atlantic, and everyone will be pleased to learn that he will now be giving away old non-gold dollar coins in exchange for teeth.

Dentists are rallying in protest, as this new rate will surely mean declines in dentist visits. However Jesus Cristobol, a spokesperson for Magical Beings Inc. and surprisingly enough also a resident of West Atlantic Medical Hospital stated earlier this week "Hey mang, I'm Tony F-ing Montana, I don' give a s*** about nobody but Tony F-ing Montana. Err... The dentists don't need to worry, because all of the ninos will be bashing their faces to get money, and will need false teeth. Now who stole my Coke?!" This reporter thinks everything will turn out just fine...


By Fission

Dr. Fission, while you were out:

-The world was taken over by 9 cybernetic goats.
-The national guard was disbanded for incompetence.
-The West Atlantic Medical Ward was reduced to a pile of rubble.
-Dr. Slade escaped to a private island with a cybernetic goat he nursed to health, who consequently took control of the island, single handedly eliminating both the FBI and SWAT team in wait for them.
-World hunger is no longer an issue, however the ice caps melt tomorrow.
-You died.
-I ---- *Illegible due to blood stain.*


By Slade:

*Video transcript from Dr. Slade's initiation speech as first President of the World*

Friends, colleagues, the plethora of assassins waiting there *points*, there *points*, there *points, and there *points*... *Pause while machine gun bursts are fired into assassin nests.* You may not be able to see me well enough to get a clean shot behind my sixty body guards, but I assure you, I am there. Or am I? Nah, I'm just messing with ya. You're good people, and that is why instead of having you all executed and rebuilding a perfect cybernetic human/goat hybrid, I'll just kill you all and flee to the moon. Heh heh. *Shots are fired, two bodyguards are killed.* I'm just messing with you guys. Relax!

I'm sorry the world had to end up this way, what with goats annihilating humanity, but hey, we had a good run, right? I mean, it's survival of the fittest, and you in the front row, you're not fit at all. *President Slade points to a morbidly obese man with a long ponytail and five body guards simultaneously shoot him.* See what I mean? If he was in shape, he could have dodged all of those bullets and then killed my body guards with his bare hands.

At any rate, as your leader, I won't really change anything at all. I mean, the world's a mess, but at least with so few people left, there's no famine any longer. At least until the most powerful of you steal all of the food and charge absurd prices for it, of course. In fact, at this time, I am resigning as President of the World and assigning... *President Slade looks around and points to a random man in the crowd.* You as the second President of the World. Congratulations! Now if you would all excuse me, I'll be taking my leave to live on an outpost I've had constructed in secret on the dark side of the moon. Oh, sorry, my many, many, many love affairs, but the station isn't big enough for all of you. Seriously, I have to duck my head to get through the door! *Fifty seven bodyguards are assassinated.*

One last thing. My colleague Doctor Fission, who was brutally murdered by a demonic sock earlier this week, will be joining me. I've kept his brain alive and will soon be placing it inside the body of an unstoppable robot. It's kind of like Frankenstein; It's just too damned cool to pass up! *Rioting begins in the streets, the last bodyguard is assassinated.* People, please. Don't blame me, blame your new President! *The still startled man is consumed within the swell of the crowd.* With that, I bid you all adieu! *Puffs of smoke spray from the ground. Coughing is
heard from within. When the smoke clears, Dr. Slade is hunched over wheezing. He then turns and runs to a concealed spaceship and flees the planet. Thousands of cybernetic goats begin flooding the street where the speech was made. There are sounds of braying and of limbs being severed from behind the camera. It is tossed sideways and a bloodied hand falls unceremoniously in front, twitching once. The tape abruptly ends in static...*

posted by Slade at 10:08 PM

Ok, so a little back story is in order. Last night, while waiting for my girlfriend to get online and becoming the usual panicy nervous wreck I turn into while waiting for her, I sent my friend, webmaster and... *checks a piece of paper* "main squeeze" a goofy e-mail to keep myself busy. His full moniker is Doctor Fission, hence the beginning and theme. Anywho, he replied, and like a nerd rolled up in snow and flying down a hill to the tune of people with single digit IQs laughing at him, it grew and turned into this bizarre storyline in e-mail form, which will become today and tomorrow's updates for my site. It's fairly straight forward. I wrote a part, he wrote a part, lather, rinse, realize you’ve just washed with hydrochloric acid, run screaming around the house nude, etc. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it.

By Slade:

Paging Doctor Fission... There is a disgruntled patient in ward four in need of five hundred CCs of codine immediately. He also requests free lunch in the psyche building for life or else he will detonate the hot dogs strapped to his chest and destroy the hospital. Oh, and you left your lights on. Again.


By Fission:

*A message from Doctor Fission's office to Doctor Slade.*

Paging Doctor Slade... Your wife just called, she wanted to remind you that it is free range chicken night tonight at the game, and that she'll be a little late arriving home so that she can pick up the poultry. Patient Morrison is threatening to commit suicide with a cucumber and Screw-eye Frank is in the ventilation system, yet again.


By Slade:

*A message from Doctor Slade to Doctor Fission.*

God damn it man. I'm in the middle of surgery... Oh, shit. Never mind, I'm free now... Yeah, just clean that up, nurse, and if anyone asks, Bill the new guy did it... *sigh* At this point, Doctor, if Morrison can actually manage to pull it off, let him go - he's earned it. What do I look like? I'm a brain surgeon, not a janitor. But if I hear Screw-eye banging around, I'll turn the defribrillators on full and zap the ducts. And could you give a message to my girlfriend that I have to spend time with my wife so our dinner reservation is off? Oh, and there's a punk outside keying our Ferraris...


By Fission:

*Doctor Fission, while you were out...*

-Bruce met Jesus again today. Had to place both in solitary because Bruce kept referring to Jesus as a "dickless Haitian." Who would have thought an angry Cuban named after the son of God could handle a pipe so well. Quite a mess in corridor A3.
-Mishu busted out all of his teeth on the bars of his cell. After doing so, he placed them under his pillow and refused to let anyone near him screaming that the tooth fairy didn't come to boys who were still awake. We started his thorazine drip shortly after, according to his story, he'll be seeing the tooth-fairy soon. Lets just hope it's not the large black fellow with the mohawk in cell 223. Either way, with the drip going, he'll wake up happy.
-Slade called, he wants to get together with you tonight. He said to leave a message on both his girlfriend's and wife's answering machine to keep him covered.
-Lunch ordered for 2:00pm: salmon on rye.


By Slade:

*Doctor Slade, while you were out...*

- Bad news, Sir... There's been a nosy reporter hanging around here lately. I think people are starting to get suspicious of all of the "accidents" that have occurred in the ward during routine procedures you've done lately.
- Both your wife and your girlfriend are pissed at you for standing them up. I told you to call them yourself, you lazy git. I think they might have suspicions about us. And if I catch you looking at Doctor Fission's secretary like that again I will personally make you the next John Bobbett. Speaking of that...
- Jesus - that Mexican looking fellow with only half a nose - stole a scalpel and surgically removed his penis earlier. Everybody in the ward was too grossed out to touch it, so it is just sitting on the floor. Jesus then got into a fight with Bruce because Bruce didn't think the growing pool of blood in Jesus' crotch was real. They both need stitches. Try not to get on your cell phone while operating this time, OK?
- That massive African guy who calls himself the Tooth Fairy somehow escaped his cell and put sixty dollars in change into some doped up East Indian, and then just returned to his cell and sat down with a smile on his face. How the hell did he get out of there?!
- Also, the ventilation shafts are beginning to smell like burning flesh. I called the janitor, but he was out keying cars. That stupid short shit.


By Fission:

*transcript of an appointment with Patient Ralph*

......

Dr.: So Ralph, how's the sock?

Ralph: What sock?! I don't have any sock, what are you talking about??

Dr.: The one that you are wearing on your hand Ralph...

Ralph: Don't talk to her that way!!

Dr.: Now Ralph, it's just a sock, honestly, you can take it off at any --

Ralph: ITS NOT JUST A SOCK! Marlee has magical powers... don't you Marlee?

Dr.: What kind of powers?

Ralph: *grabbing his knees to his chest and looking around suspiciously* she... can kill.

Dr.: Really now... how do you know such things? Has she ever killed anyone before?

Ralph: Well.. no...

*Secretary enters*: Doctor, your lunch is ready.

Dr.: Oh dear Ralph, looks like that,' all for now, I'll pick you up from your cell to resume after lunch.

*Doctor Fission eats*

*Doctor Fission checks his messages*

*Doctor Fission, While you were out...*

-Morrison (the cucumber man) was murdered by Jesus. In his cell was Ralph's sock, pulled over the cucumber, with a very sketchy 4 phase diagram of Jesus removing his penis by masturbating too hard. Ralph is huddled in the corner of his cell muttering "She's a killer... Marlee, why'd you do it?" over, and over.
-Frank dropped out of the ventilation shaft into the tooth-fairy's cell. We pulled him out in time, he just walks with a bit of a limp now. Plans to neuter the tooth-fairy are in place.


By Slade:

*Transcript of conversation with Reporter Stanlee Lee Lee. Evidence article A*

Dr. Slade (To reporter): Don't talk to me like that! I didn't kill anybody!

Reporter: Um, I haven't asked you anything yet, calm down.

Dr. Slade (In a panic): What? You have no proof. You'll never catch me.

Reporter: Look, if you'll just calm down, and let me ask you a few simple questions...

Dr. Slade: Damn it, you think the guilt trip will work? It wasn't me, I tell you! It was... Marlee! Yeah, that sock is possessed by demons and strangles people!

Reporter (baffled): If I could just ask you why you became a Doct-

Dr. Slade: All right! I admit it. I've been killing patients on accident. I can't help it, I just get distracted, that's all. I mean, you can't blame a guy if he kills someone on accident, right? Uh... Look over there, while I steal my secret pile of gold from the basement and escape to a private island in the Pacific ocean with my secretary!

*At this point the reporter looks away and notices a man standing in a growing puddle of water as the pipes above him begin to burst. He cackles gleefully and says "The water is my friend! Now... do my bidding!" The water proceeds to steal the man a candy bar from a nearby vending machine. The man eats it and then sits down in a chair and reads a newspaper upside-down patiently. When the reporter looks back, the doctor is gone.*

Reporter: Well then...

*End evidence report*

*Dr. Slade, While you were out*
-Chicho, that guy who smells like baked ham keeps saying someone stole Lincoln's gold from the hospital basement. How did he know that we found it already?!
-The police are here, looking for you about recent deaths in the hospital. I TOLD YOU!!!!!!!
-A voodoo priestess left a message for you which said "Beware! For the demon of the feet has been released. Only the deaths of the wangless will banish the devils from within... That will be two dollars."
-You owe me two dollars.
-Your wife called, she's having you arrested for fraud and embezzlement. I'll meet you at the arranged place to escape with the money.
-Doctor Fission thinks you need to take a shower...

Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion! What will happen next? Only time will tell.
posted by Slade at 12:02 AM