Well, it's been over a month since my last update. In case you were wondering, no, I didn't die, yes, the red wire is the wrong one to cut, and George Herbert Walker Bush Junior still looks like a monkey.

I guess I'd better fill you all in on what's been going on. You'll have to pardon me for the lack of humor involved, as there hasn't been much that's funny to write about lately.

First and foremost, on the 13th of August I went to visit Cathy, my girlfriend while she was on a family camping trip conveniently nearby where I live. We spent a weekend of total bliss together, and as this was a last hurrah before college.

Since it was a long distance relationship and we didn't know when we'd be able to see each other again, it was arranged that I would go down to her house in Maryland. So I get down there and I'm as high as a kite, as I discover I'm falling in love with her.

I'd actually been realizing this for about a month, but was hesitant to decide that was what was happening because it had never happened to me before. And we hadn't really been going out for that long - two months. Our contact was a 3-4 hour phone conversation a day for all of July.

Backstory - We'd known each other since we were infants, as our parents were friends since before we were even sperm and ovum. I'd had a crush on her for about 7 years prior to this summer. She came up as my date for the Senior Ball (formal dance, end of school thing just before graduation), and it had been my goal to tell her how I felt (finally) during it. I actually managed to go through with it (which surprised me, as I lack nerve and social skills), and it turned out she had also had a crush on me for some time. So all of July I was counting the days until August 13th. It comes and I'm so excited my head explodes, but I manage to drive for 3 hours in heavy traffic at 75 miles per hour and not kill my mom and I on the way to the campground.

So to totally confuse you, I'm going to jump back to Maryland. I get there Sunday night after an entertaining night of riding around trying to get a hunting license for her father on his way home. I don't feel like going into it, I'll just tell you it was quite humorous. Monday morning, I wake up and think to myself "Holy shit, man. You're in love with one of the most wonderful people on the face of the planet. When did you get so damned lucky?" So I decide that today I'm going to tell her and see what happens (I wasn't sure as to how she would react). And then, of course, the universe realizes that it's made a huge mistake, and decides that the only way to correct the imbalance of forces (mainly my good luck) is to crush me completely. I walk up to my girlfriend, take a breath to open my mouth and ask to talk with her in private, and she says "We need to talk." At this point I realize that my brief streak of luck is over and my life is at least temporarily shattered. We go to her room, sit on her bed, and naturally, she breaks up with me. I'm not going to go into it online for the entire world to read, assuming they cared, so I'll just say it was a combination on her part of not feeling like she could keep up a long distance relationship, and other issues she needed to work out.

Yes, that's right. I've gone from love to heartbreak in a matter of seconds, and to top it off, I have to spend an entire week with my now ex-girlfriend. That's what I get for being blissfully happy for any length of time. And boy, was I in a euphoric daze. I was even slowly sliding from deep bitter cynical pessimism toward optimism, because, hey, if an unsocial dork like me could find someone as phenomenal as my girlfriend, and actually make her happy, then there was still hope for the world. In retrospect, this was probably the exact thought that tipped off the universe, causing it to investigate my life for this sudden change. The forces that usually consistently screw me over must have slacked off or gotten fired and there was a management error in replacing them. Nothing else could explain my situation but a reality gone mad. But don't worry. I'm back to despising just about everything, dwelling in my melancholy, cursing at my pens for blowing up just because I've used them to write with. (I've killed seven ball point pens since coming to college. Five in the first week alone.)

After two straight days of poor sleep and no food, I decided that since I was stuck with my ex for a week, and we'd been best friends for our entire lives, I should at least try to stay friends, so I forced myself out of my shell and with an effort that gritted my teeth and twinged my tear ducts, I put up my end of becoming closer friends, and she followed suit. And when I wasn't lamenting the fact that I'd now be single for another seventeen years, and probably wouldn't find someone like Cathy and be forced to settle into a mediocre relationship, I actually did have fun. Picked up a Nirvana T-Shirt (It says Nirvana on it, but underneath has a map of Dante's circles of Hell. So it makes absolutely no sense. So I love it.) and Christine by Stephen King. Sometimes, I need to take a break on the social satire and just read a violent horror novel.

I got home, hung out for a week, moved into college. There's been some fun stuff, some not so fun stuff. I love it around here, despite constant reminders of my single-ness. The universe and I are fighting in no man's land, going from war to uneasy ceasefire every few days or so. I may be single for the rest of eternity, but if the powers that be can screw me over, I can fight right back. That's right. You've gotta face me, the person you've been shitting on for 17 years. And I've also got baggage because I didn't take actions in the past when I should have. You're mine, powers that be. Watch your back...

So, this isn't all leading up to me having consistently bad luck or whining about said luck. Yesterday it was declared Kirby Week on the floor on my dorm by some of our resident dorks. I felt compelled to participate, so I drew 80's Hair Metal Kirby. That picture is the rest of my update. You can get it at here. I figured since I was updating my site so Zach could see the picture, that I'd better fill you in. That's all for now. In case you haven't noticed, I've not been in a very good mental state for writing humor website updates in quite a while.

Those old wounds still flare up far to easily...
posted by Slade at 10:31 PM